Kayden Kross

I’ve been on a never ending quest to figure porn out since my first written agreement to strip down on camera. There are always nuances and it seemed as if no one was willing to sit down and give it to me straight, no one was willing to type up a bullet point list of do’s and don’t and how dare you’s…. until Penthouse sent me a handbook… two years into my career. This was two weeks ago. By now I’ve figured out a good chunk of it but I was thankful nevertheless. And of course I knew better than to blog about my handbook, but I couldn’t help myself. It was good material.

So up went a clear picture of the Penthouse Pet Handbook and my feelings on matter. Front and center of MikeSouth.com, one of the industry’s most controversial gossip sites and my favorite blog to contribute to. Lo and behold, that post was picked up and reprinted somewhere else, and through some sequence of events that I have not bothered to retrace Penthouse picked up on it. Lainie sent me an Email. She said she liked my irreverence. Penthouse can handle a little teasing, she said. Ayn Rand would call me immoral for allowing myself to read that email in the most friendly tone without further research. She would say I was not facing reality. That’s the problem with text. You can’t pick up on the subtleties of the spoken word. For all I knew Lainie could have just sent me a Penthouse death threat and I would have continued through my daily life believing nothing was amiss. I got lucky though. Lainie really did like my irreverence. She wanted to know if I’d like to blog for Penthouse.

And here we are. I’m sitting in New Zealand working on my first blog for Penthouse at 12:59am a day ahead of my world. My computer says it’s 5:57am yesterday. I just signed at a convention for 12 hours for the second day in a row. You could say I’m a little out of sync. I’m waiting for room service to deliver their famous Langham Beef Burger. I’m a vegetarian.

I ran out of headshots to sign towards the end of the night. That means I’ve signed hundreds and hundreds of headshots. I want them to be special. I want them to be individual. How many ways can one jokingly say “let’s fuck” though? It starts out easy enough: Dear so and so, you’re hot. You’re sexy. You make me wet. You have pretty eyes/ears/legs/elbows/hair/horns/shoes/fingernails. Your girlfriend/wife/ mistress/mother is hot/sexy/gorgeous with pretty eyes/ears/legs/elbows/hair/horns/shoes/fingernails. I want to steal her. I stole her. I grabbed her titties. She said she likes me better. Dear so and so, Do me.

I aim to please. I don’t want generic if I can avoid it. I want to sign a headshot that is cherished. What is going to make them keep it long enough to remember Kayden Kross? What is going to prompt them to hang it in the garage or show their buddies? Dear so and so: I had fun last night. You were great last night. Do that thing you did last night again. I love your cock/penis/manroot/schlong/wang/dick. You have the best ball sack I’ve ever seen. I mean it. You have the softest pubic hair. Your cum tastes like pineapples. Kiwi. Grapes. Sugar. Strawberries. Candy. I’ve never seen anything like it. Dear so and so, your cock was bigger than ____________ (insert best friend’s name here). I could barely fit it in my mouth. I can’t walk straight. Meet me at ________________ (fictional hotel, fictional room number) again tonight. Next time bring your wife. Next time bring a camera. I think you should be in porn.

Then there are the guys weighed down by women with feelings. Dear so and so: your wife eats better pussy than you. I’d rather do your wife. I have a crush on your wife. Leave your wife with me. I love her titties. I want to cuddle with her. You can stay home with the kids. There are also the guys weighed down by conservative lifestyles: Dear so and so, you’re handsome. I want to marry you and start a family. We’ll name our firstborn _______________ (insert name here). That’s a very spiffy tie you’re wearing this afternoon. I’m also available in softcore. Don’t let your wife see this. Cover this up on Sundays. I want to cuddle with you. Thanks for taking the time to meet me. It was nice meeting you. Hugs and Kisses, Kayden.

I always hit that point where I start stealing ideas. What do my panties say? Rock my world. I only have eyes for you. Where have you been all my life. Wanna play? That reminds me of another good one: cool name, wanna fuck? Cool shoes, wanna fuck? Cool accent, wanna fuck? I was taught a trick with Chinese fortune cookies–end all of their proverbs with “in the bedroom.” You will find great happiness in the bedroom. You will achieve great wealth in the bedroom. You will live long and prosper in the bedroom. It is also good to have some on hand for the guys that need to be messed with for whatever reason: You are a great friend in the bedroom. What goes around comes around in the bedroom. Next time bring Viagra. Size doesn’t matter. Dear so and so, thanks for coming out.

Some are going to want headshots signed for other people: Dear so and so, wish you were here (arrow drawn down to crotch)… you should have come. Dear so and so, you have the coolest aunt/brother/sister/
Nephew/boss/coworker/girlfriend/mom in the world. Dear so and so, look me up when you’re 18 (the Penthouse handbook covered this one).

It’s really a matter of reading the guys more than anything. They need to leave happy. Memories should be warm and fuzzy or at least tingly in the crotch. At the end of the day if you‘ve left any memory at all you‘ve at least partially succeeded. Good memories are best though. It’s not always easy to tell if the significant other is there, and if so, how willingly. It’s not always easy to tell how dirty or clean they want it and how comfortable they are with being there in the first place. Dear so and so: shove your steaming wet cock back in my ass and smack me and call me a bitch. I want to choke on your manroot right here and now. I had my back teeth filed down just for you. Dear so and so, degrade me.

End it with three exclamation points if your hand isn‘t cramping. At least one if they haven’t offended you. Dear so and so, you rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I heart you!!!!!! I heart your cock!!!!!! I’ll never forget last night! Thanks for showing me how a real man fucks!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…and sign off with feeling: Your secret lover, xoxo, hugs and kisses, yours truly, truly yours, with love, licks, muah!, love always, sincerely, forever and ever and ever, xxx,

Kayden Kross

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.