Is your college crush finally making herself available? Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you why it’s important to go back in time to set things right.
Illustration by Celia Calle
I’ve been dating this girl who’s pretty awesome, and I’m feeling like marriage could be in our future. But last week I was catching up with a college friend, Tom, who told me he’d recently talked to another college friend, Lisa. I haven’t seen Lisa since we graduated about six years ago, but I still yank it to the time in junior year that we played strip poker and she got down to her bra and panties. She was really hot, with an amazing rack and this horse face that just made me want to ride her. She’s married now, but after a few drinks she mentioned to Tom that she used to have a huge crush on me and still wonders what it would be like to hook up with me. She even asked Tom to give me her number so I could get in touch with her. I was surprised, because I’d always had a thing for her, but I was sure she thought of me as just her funny, dorky friend. I never even tried anything. Now I’m tempted to get in touch with her and make up for the missed opportunity, but I’ve never cheated on anyone before and I’m worried that I’ll be racked with guilt. Any advice?
There’s always the possibility that she’s gained 50 pounds and joined a religious cult that requires her to grow hair on her upper lip—although guy code requires Tom to disclose that. You’re probably thinking, Phew, now I don’t have to cheat on my girl. But you’re wrong. You absolutely have to cheat on your girl, even if your college crush has a full-on Jesus beard. Why? Because the unwritten rule in college is: You scoop up pussy like you’re doing community service by the side of the highway, picking up any and all of it that blows your way. And because there’s no statute of limitations on trim, you need to make like the Sperminator going back in time to drill Sarah Connor. Or think of College Girl’s punani as a time capsule that’s ready to be opened. Getting a B.J. from this chick and giving her face a blast from the past is nothing short of a moral obligation—it’s more like an oral obligation. You owe it to your younger, dorkier self to get the job done.
The good thing is, this girl has a husband, which is basically an insurance policy against things going anywhere or anyone finding out. You simply go back in time, nail her in the back of your DeLorean, and return to present-day reality in time to eat out your current girl for dinner. (By the way, you’d be amazed what a flux capacitor does to a G spot.)
As for your current girl, forget the guilt. There’s an expression among downhill skiers: “Don’t die wondering.” You shouldn’t get married wondering, either.