A newbie from Noale arrives, and steals everybody’s thunder.
By Bill Heald

It seemed at first glance like any other stylish, Italian urban-sports motorcycle. True, the headlight and front mini-fairing did give it an aspect almost as sinister as H. R. Giger’s alien,but I had no reason to think this would be anything other than just another fine release from Aprilia. This means I expected a typical representative of the brand: a sweet-handling, refined, and well-behaved bike that would do everything it’s designed to do flawlessly. I believed all of this right up to the point where I climbed aboard and hefted the tall machine off its side stand. Then, I punched the starter button and everything changed. My God, what hath Aprilia wrought? Has a Balrog from Middle-earth crawled out of the high, shapely tailpipes mounted under the seat and used this auditory earthquake to preview the fire and violence to follow?

Such was my reaction to the Dorsoduro 1200’s delicious exhaust note, and it was a mere appetizer for the fun I was about to have with this incredibly ripped engine. I’ve ridden many V-twins from America, Italy, Austria, and elsewhere, and none have ever delivered the booming, baritone blast this bike does. According to Aprilia’s spec sheet, it produces “only” 130 horsepower and 85 foot-pounds of torque, but somebody forgot to tell the motorcycle. Even with the threemode engine mapping (adjustable on the fly, by the way) set on Touring, there is a boatload of brawn available from the basement to redline with no flat spots to speak of. Thanks to the perfect primary balance of the 90-degree cylinder configuration, vibration is never punishing, and what’s there lets you share in the thundering throb of those big pistons.

The upright, dual-sport riding position (and lofty ride height) aids maneuverability in tight quarters, whether you’re negotiating around an errant taxi or avoiding a felled tree on the road courtesy of an atmospheric blowhard called Irene. A compliant, easily adjustable suspension handles potholes and bumpy, high-speed corners with equal grace, and the hybrid frame design is both strong and light. Top it off with some of the finest in Brembo brakes, and you have a balanced package that can deal with almost anything the road can throw at you.

And then there’s that amazing V-twin. I mentioned the Touring mode is my setting of choice, but there’s also a Rain mode that helps you maintain traction in the wet, and a Sport mode. I found this last selection to be overkill, especially since the Dorsoduro had more than enough thrust in the more docile Touring setting. Sport mode will only help deplete your fuel too quickly, for feeding this beast’s puny 3.96-gallon tank is like handing a Bud in a shot glass to a thirsty lumberjack. I vote for a larger tank, for nothing must stop that exquisitely deep, rumbly motor music from frightening children and small animals every time you twist the throttle.

Q:
My new girlfriend has a dog and she lets it sleep in her bed, and the freaking thing refuses to leave the room when we have sex. If we lock it out, it whines outside the door till we open it. If we let it in, he watches us, and it weirds me out when the stupid mutt gets a hard-on—which happens every damn time. I tried closing the dog in the bedroom so we could have sex in the living room or bathroom, but my girlfriend won’t do that unless her roommate is out of town. And she hates my roommate, so she won’t screw at my place at all. What should I do?

A:
Have you thought about strapping something to the mutt so it can participate? No, not that kind of strap-on. I’m talking about a head cam! Even if the footage comes out shakier than a Lars von Trier film, it might help you to imagine the dog as an auteur of fine erotica who just happens to drink out of a water bowl (he wouldn’t be the first director with eccentric habits). This way, instead of old Bingo creeping you out by staring at your boner like, well, a dog without a bone, he’ll be bringing something to the mix. In fact, if you set him up with a webcam, you might even be able to monetize the situation. Just tell yourself that when he barks it means, “Flip her over doggie-style. I have a guy in the chat room who wants you to take her to the dog pound.”

If being on camera just doesn’t turn you on, imagine the pup is the voyeuristic tool of the hot office intern who’s been making eyes at you. I figure in the future you’ll be able to travel back in time and implant spy cameras in animals’ eyes—so it’s perfectly possible that this chick has done just that with your girl’s dog and set up a webcam of her own, and she’s lying back, fully naked, diddling her moist hoo-hah while she watches you hook up with your girlfriend.

I know what you’re thinking: There’s no way you’re going to talk yourself into believing any of this. But you’d be surprised how easy it can be if you just give the dog a funky set of shades (maybe those Kanye West ones) and wrap its tail in tinfoil so it’s easier for it to transmit images.

Lexus spares no expense and launches a very special supercar. Even the cockpit is an example of functional sophistication and enhanced performance.

There is a category of automobile that defines the nexus of design dreams and reality, a place where some of the most creative engineers can freely practice their art and leave no performance avenue unexplored. This is the realm of the ultra-exclusive supercar, and the members in this tiny family include the likes of Ferrari, BMW, Jaguar, Lamborghini, McLaren, and even Ford with its GT. In this exclusive society, the cars are hand-built in very small numbers, have amazingly high top speeds, and sport equally lofty price tags. In a bold move, Toyota’s upscale Lexus division is joining this choice group by creating something very special to compete with the aforementioned machines. The question is, can the Lexus engineers really run in the rarefied air that these ultradesirable rockets explore?

There’s certainly room for initial skepticism, but the Lexus LFA has the chops to elbow its way into the club. True, in the past the Lexus name has been associated more with luxury than performance, and you may think that in the realm of überexclusive hardware the company might have challenged Rolls-Royce or Bentley instead. But F-series Lexus performance sedans have helped clear the way for its new flagship, and the LFA is a serious platform that was tested and developed in competitions like the Nürburgring 24-hour race. The final machine that goes on sale as a 2012 model is the result of taking a completely clean design slate and applying all the considerable technological assets contained in the Lexus stable to satisfy the most ambitious performance goals. Chief engineer Haruhiko Tanahashi puts it best: “From the very beginning of automobile history, supercars have represented dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Over the past decade, we have pushed every boundary in the pursuit of this goal. I believe that we have created the most driver-oriented car we possibly could.”

The technical résumé of the LFA proves Tanahashi was not exaggerating. The heart of this stunning ride is a 4.8-liter V-10 that delivers 552 horsepower without any kind of turbo or supercharging. How? Think of this mill as the Rolex of engines, as every internal component is optimized for efficiency and composed of the most advanced low-friction materials available. The 72-degree V-angle ensures perfect primary and secondary balance, which helps facilitate a stratospheric (and silky-smooth) 9,000 rpm redline. Front-mid-engine placement along with mounting the six-speed, multimode sequential automatic transmission in transaxle fashion at the rear differential contributes to ideal 48:52 weight distribution (critical for both sharp handling and stability at 200 mph). The chassis surrounding this propulsion system is quite unique, and features carbonfiber- reinforced-plastic (CFRP) con struction for the ultimate in stiffness and light weight.

Innovative production techniques are as key to the LFA as its potent power train, such as the use of novel methods of joining the CFRP body to the aluminum-alloy multilink suspension components. No expense has been spared, no aspect overlooked, and a truly welcome example of this attention to detail is the latest in carbon-ceramic brakedisc technology, which not only sheds heat like nothing else out there, but also reduces unsprung weight.

The cockpit really seals the deal in terms of this being a true driver’s car, in that the positioning of the driver and passenger is part of an integrated philosophy where every detail is focused on enhancing performance. This is still a Lexus, so creature comforts are all part of the environment, too, and the interior is designed with three “zones” in mind: mechanical, human, and driving. This approach results in a cozy, futuristic, and remarkably safe and functional cabin, topping off a peerless jewel of an automobile hand-assembled in a production run limited to 500 units.

For the rest of us, be assured that the incredible technologies developed for this creation will find their way into the Lexus playbook, and maybe even Toyotas and Scions down the road. One thing is for sure, though: The LFA stands out even in the exotic fraternity of supercars.

Q:
This girl I’m dating invited me to her parents’ house for Christmas, where I would meet three generations of her family, all for the first time. I don’t want to go, and I really don’t want her to think that I’m going to invite her to celebrate the holidays with my family, either. We haven’t been dating long, and we’re not even exclusive, but as soon as I said yes to New Year’s Eve plans, she went into couples overdrive and starting planning out our entire lives together. Dude, I just want to know for sure I’m getting laid every Saturday night. I’m not looking for a commitment, and I don’t want to get cornered into one. The sex is great, though, so I need a way to back off without cutting her loose.

A:
Three generations of her family? Ai-yi-yi! Better spike your eggnog with Tres Generaciones tequila to keep yourself relaxed enough to avoid getting your nuts roasted over an open fire.

You need to make it clear to this girl that she’s merely Santa’s little humper. Of course, you can’t chase her off entirely or come Christmas Eve, it won’t be trinkets you’ll be filling socks with. To ensure you won’t be stroking it yourself, give her the proverbial snow job. Tell her you’d love to meet her family, but you spend Christmas handing out turkeys at the local soup kitchen. You’ll score points with her and get out of hearing about her grandma’s bunions. If she tries to tag along, tell her the soup kitchen is no place for a lady. (See how gallant you are?)

If this goes down less smoothly than a fruitcake and she just isn’t swallowing it, you have to ask yourself whether going home with her is really such a bad thing. Maybe she has a hot sister or a MILF-y mom who will spur fantasies about an under the mistletoe threesome. (Note: If you end up beating off in their bathroom, carefully eliminate all evidence that you put the “jack” in Jack Frost.) And if she goes home with you, your mom will talk her ear off instead of yours, leaving you free to sneak away and play videogames or go through the old porno magazines still hidden under your mattress.

Of course, your mom is 99.9 percent sure to tell her that one truly embarrassing story you hope no one ever hears again, so maybe you should just cut her loose like a gangrene-ridden reindeer. After all, the Christmas season is a damn good time to be single, assuming you have a few holiday parties to crash. (You haven’t lived until you and some random receptionist have turned the office Christmas lights into anal beads.) And don’t forget that New Year’s Eve is the one time when perfect strangers are obligated to suck face with you. Don’t worry about ending up alone. Girls are desperate for company during the holidays, and at least one of them will look at you and think, I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas.

When the legendary Camaro sedan finally returned to the market after a lengthy absence, there was much rejoicing. Over the years, the Camaro had lost its teeth and evolved into more of a touring car than the snarling boulevard nemesis of old. But the redesigned Camaro went back to its muscle-car roots, and the result was a taut package with styling that recalled the glory of the original, while packing serious modern muscle under the hood. But still, something was missing. Or rather, something that was permanent needed to be more temporary, meaning the option of a retractable top was needed to make the car the ultimate open-air hot rod.

Patience is a virtue, and now the true potential of the reborn Camaro has been realized. The convertible version has hit the streets, and this new drop-top Chevy comes in two trim levels: the LT and the SS. We say appreciate the former (especially with the RS package), but embrace, and then acquire, the latter. True, the LT-RS is a beautiful, capable Camaro convertible with a perfectly acceptable 312-horsepower V-6 engine. But the SS is the soul of the make with a 6.2-liter V-8 that, when equipped with the standard six-speed manual transmission, belts out 426 tire-smoking horses, and sounds like the great SS Chevys of old. You can get an automatic transmission of course, but it lowers horsepower to 400, and you’re denying yourself the perfect marriage of a stout V-8 to a sweet-shifting gearbox. This combo lets you completely control the herd, whether you’re rumbling quietly through speed traps or torturing the Pirellis off the line (easy to do with all the low-end torque). Clutch release is light, and the only ergonomic hiccup with the shifter is the proximity of the cup holder. If you load this receptacle with a large latte, it can interfere with your elbow when shifting, and you don’t need that, for it messes with your total enjoyment of the open road.

Given that total enjoyment is what a car like the Camaro is all about, naturally things are always better when you go topless. The engineers have put a lot of work into the electric soft top, which takes about 20 seconds to raise or lower. In the rare instances when you need to have the top in place (like when it’s raining or snowing), you’ll find it’s surprisingly quiet. But when spring returns, the open-air experience is wonderfully inspiring as you embrace nature with all that horsepower and the music of the cranked-up Bose sound system.

Also cranked-up is the Camaro’s chassis, now fortified to handle the roofless life. Camaro Chief Engineer Al Oppenheiser explains, “To compensate for the reduced structure of an open car, engineers often will make the suspension softer, making the convertible a boulevard cruiser. Instead, we took the more difficult but better path of bolstering structure rather than softening the suspension. We didn’t change a strut, bushing, or spring rate from the Camaro coupe.”

There’s some shake of the windshield cowl over rough roads (like most convertibles), but otherwise the SS handles crisply, and the fully independent suspension handles bumpy corners better the harder you push it. But all that becomes moot when you take a moonlight cruise with that perfect passenger, and the burble of the dual exhaust and the sound of the wind take over. The interior lighting is accented with LED light-pipe technology, which puts a cool blue glow on your nocturnal interior experience. You can roll along in a sedate manner, yet know you can blur the stars light-speed style should you desire to put the V-8 into hyperdrive. The only downside of the convertible version is that the already small trunk is made even smaller when the top is down and tucked away, reducing cargo capacity to minuscule. But hey, a bikini, suntan lotion, a couple of towels, and a brace of wine glasses take up very little room, right?

You could certainly argue that all Harleys are special, because despite competition from some of the best manufacturers in the world, there’s still no motorcycle that has the look, sound, and feel of what the faithful call the genuine article. But if you want something truly unique that’s still 100 percent a product of the company’s factories, you need to look at Harley’s Custom Vehicle Operations (CVOs). These low-production, in-house custom machines are furnished with Harley’s latest, greatest performance, appearance, and tour-oriented accessories. Here are our two favorites from the quartet of 2012 CVOs.

CVO Softail Convertible
You might think all motorcycles are “convertibles” since they go topless all the time. But in the two-wheeled world, “convertible” means a bike you can reconfigure for either touring or cruising in mere minutes. The Softail Convertible is as at home trolling down your own personal mean streets as it is loaded down for a trip to the opposite coast. The CVO Edition boasts Harley’s huge Screamin’ Eagle Twin Cam 110B granite powdercoated engine, which possesses 105 foot-pounds of ground-pounding torque, and is bolted solidly in the frame yet internally counterbalanced for smoothness. Cruise control is standard, as is a big windshield and lockable leather saddlebags that (like the passenger pillion) are easily removed when you don’t need them. Standard Garmin 660 Navigation module, ABS brakes, and a boatload of chrome accessories tastefully applied by CVO specialists are supplemented by a choice of three stunning paint schemes (even hotter than Harley’s usual excellent finishes).

CVO Ultra Classic Electra Glide
Perhaps you’re not into the more minimalist aspects of Harley’s glorious V-twin architecture, and prefer your first-class iron to be armed with all the trimmings. The Ultra Classic Electra Glide is the company’s flagship two-wheeled long-haul traveler, and when given the CVO treatment it’s even more than the sum of its small warehouse full of well polished parts. The Screamin’ Eagle Twin Cam 110 is rubber-mounted into the frame, but not counterbalanced like the Softail’s mill, so it feels like a more traditional Harley tour bike (lots of V-twin character, but still smooth enough for long, punishment-free days on the road). In addition to the full-fairing, sumptuous seating, and a roomy, well-finished Tour-Pak trunk and saddlebags, there are BOOM! Audio High Performance components, including 40 watts per channel front and rear speakers to go with the Harman/Kardon Advanced sound system. Naturally, the seats are heated, and a power-locking system secures the luggage and ignition with the push of a key fob. But as great as this premium kit is (and I’ve barely scratched the surface on all the features of this bike), nothing can prepare you for the superb attention to every last detail that makes a Custom Vehicle Operation Harley such a rare, glorious ride. Production numbers are small, so get one before they’re gone.