I don’t know how I ever got a job before porn. It couldn’t have been my “can do” eager to please attitude. I can’t verbally suck dick. Physically? Yes I can do that. But I don’t suck dick for jobs. I suck dick as a job. But not the hiring manager’s dick. I prefer stunt cock. I’m off subject.

The point is I can’t kiss ass or blow things out of proportion. I can’t make a big deal out of my dexterity on a ten key calculator. I can’t turn past experience chasing bums off of storefronts into “oversaw promotion of positive company image” or first position on the burger line into “head chef”. I showed up to a job interview in pajamas once. I still got the job sans dick sucking. And no, it was not a porn interview.

So here’s where this is all coming from: I put an ad up on Craigslist for an assistant. 10-15 hours a week, simple stuff, must have own transportation and be comfortable in an adult themed industry. References required. I’ve had literally hundreds of emails. 90% include attached resumes. One person really did list the ability to use a ten key calculator. One person really did claim to be detail oriented and thorough, spelled thuro. Most of them started out with dear hiring manager, dear sir or madam, to whom it may concern: …

Or it was just a blank email with the resume attached. I deleted all of them. If there was a spelling error, if it was too impersonal, or too formal for porn, it didn’t stand a chance.

I was left with a spattering of resumes that seemed to be on target. I interviewed 5 people tonight. I looked for applicants who had personality and could get things done correctly without any instruction from me. And they can all spell correctly, just because it’s a pet peeve of mine. I didn’t make it easy so I figured if they showed up on time to the right place with resume in hand and not dressed like they had a stick up their ass we’d be good to go. 3 did, 2 were late, 2 didn’t show up. I’d weeded them out pretty quickly. I ended up with 4 aspiring actors/actresses and 1 aspiring musician. The two who were late are out of the running, not only because they weren’t on top of it enough to figure it out for themselves but one showed up with a resume folded eight directions and it just seemed off. I can’t imagine he really has his life together and the thought of charging him with the task of getting mine together is scary.

So now that I’m down to three, and they are all wonderful and prompt and smart and don’t need to be babysat and have all the necessary skills and experience and I don’t know what to do because I want them all. They each have one unique obvious strength. If combined they’d be superhumans. They’re all willing to accept the same pay. They’re all equally cool. I’m stuck.

So I did some research. It’s too late to do the reference checks but I looked up myspace and facebook profiles and still nothing concrete enough to whittle it down further. I’m dealing with three skilled, flexible, down to earth people. And all I can think about is what I could possibly have had on the other applicants when I got a job in pajamas.

I’m at Starbucks and I just finished my second Espresso Truffle of the day and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Maybe it was because I stayed up until 4am fucking yesterday. Or maybe it’s because I was on set for 20 hours the day before. Or maybe it’s because I only got 3.5 hours of sleep before showing up to that set. And I can’t remember much beyond that. The airplanes and time changes are throwing me off.

Or maybe it’s because I have a Starbuck’s addiction and I’m crashing after my caffeine bump. But I don’t recall getting the initial energy rush part of it. Its so advanced that I can’t even perk up off an Espresso Truffle. Maybe I should order larger ones. Anything with the word “truffle” in it sounds fattening though so I’m ordering talls. Multiple talls.

I just checked my email. First thing in the box was the info for tomorrow’s shoot and I feel a vague sense of doom. It said to get a lot of sleep because it’s going to be a long day. This is coming from the same guy who called the 20 hour day normal. It’s a night shoot. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing the sun rise.

But the immediate thing to focus on is mustering the energy for tonight. It’s a Penthouse party. It’s my first time going to one of their events as one of their pets. Game face. I think game face might require more Starbucks but I don’t want more Starbucks. I don’t want the girl to look at me funny and say ‘another one?’ with that accusatory eyebrow thing she does. I might have to defend myself. I might go off about how at least when she goes home work is over. And a big day for her is eight hours. I laugh in the face of eight hours. I scoff.

Maybe there will be a shift change soon. Then they won’t know it’s my third one but they’ll still know I’ve had at least one already because I’m sitting here guiltily typing away on my computer with the empty cup next to me sneaking furtive glances at the cash register in intervals that are far too close together. They probably think I’m waiting to rob the place. Maybe if I make eye contact and smile they’ll know I’m harmless. Or they’ll think I’m coming onto them. Real human interaction baffles me lately. Thank Myspace and Facebook for that.

I’m gonna go the willpower route and pack up and walk out of here. I’m gonna walk tall. They’ll never know what obstacle I just overcame but I’ll know and that’s all that matters.

It’s Sunday. I feel like I haven’t taken a breath since Thursday. I drove out to Indio Thursday night with Holly Randall and my web master and a make up artist for a shoot we had planned all day Friday at the Salton Sea. We got in around Midnight after a real road trip filled with a taco bell run, a tiny bit of navigation error, and gut spilling. I feel like I know the webman better. I have material to tease him with for years to come. I feel empowered.

We checked into the hotel and I settled down to write an article I had promised then passed out. The alarm went off at 5:30 am and I was in the make up chair at 6. Then we jumped on the road for another 40 minutes. We ran into a small grid of trailers that didn’t constitute a town because there was no gas station. Actually, there were no businesses at all save a bar/mini mart and possibly an automotive repair in someone’s front yard. The place was deserted at 8:30 in the morning. We figured they were all asleep. When we couldn’t find the exact deserted spot we were looking for Holly turned back to the bar/mini mart to ask for directions. The bar was packed. I think I can safely report that the entire town was in that bar at 9am. They were quite friendly though and pointed us in the right direction. Sweet.

So our little caravan pulled up to the shore, my giant truck and her Volvo. At one point in time the sea rose up and flooded the old trailer park grid and what was left was gray and sagging and made of plywood. The salt crunched underneath us as we walked between abandoned homes and over fish bones. Everything was the same color except the sky which seemed vividly blue in comparison. There was no life anywhere. Except the ninja. There was a ninja practicing on the shore about a quarter mile down. He was spinning a large stick and wearing all black. My webmaster said he was quite good. My webmaster would know. He had brought a samurai sword for protection. I didn’t think anyone would believe this part so I got it all on BTS.

The first set was gorgeous. I wore a bright blue dress to match the sky and posed in front a water damaged chair in a roofless house and a broken out window. I wore trailer make up. Artsy. At one point some park troopers rolled through and asked Holly what she was doing. She was a student at Brooke’s University. This was her semester project. He said next time get a permit but as long as there was no nudity or money being made he’d let it slide this time. No sir. No nudity or profit here. He left. I know what you’re thinking: this is a national park? Yup. Protected by your tax dollars.

After the first set we drove off in search of another secluded beach. We found one down a nameless road and got more artsy grunge inside an old public restroom that had also been abandoned after it was flooded out. I was impressed with Holly’s range. I’ve only ever seen her shoot in a controlled studio doing the same controlled poses that are optimal for bright clear views of the cookie. She put me in black leather boots and fetish make up in the men’s bathroom. There were holes in the plywood and if you stared straight through the toilet seats you could see your own reflection in the communal sewage well at the bottom. She made it beautiful. This beach was in a different phase than I’m used to seeing. The sand wasn’t fine granules that make you want to build castles and bury your feet. It was broken down bones with whole spines or smaller individual vertebrae that crunched beneath our feet as we tried to step around whole preserved fish that had been perfectly dried in the sun and salt. It stank. We did another set in front of rotting telephone poles sticking out of the water at dusk and a final set on a concrete slab that had collapsed years ago at the shore as the last rays of light disappeared behind the mountains. My webmaster was upset that we didn’t get to shoot with his samurai sword.

Then we packed up in the dark and realized that Holly’s Volvo did not have 4-wheel drive. She was stuck in the bone-sand. My truck moved out with no problem but I didn’t have any way of pulling her out. She tried to get a tow service out but the road had no name and we didn’t know how to direct them to where we were so I drove her back the main road and entered a border patrol station from the wrong direction and they freaked out and yelled at me but helped us anyway. We drove back and ate Fig Newton’s and waited a couple of hours for the tow truck. We bonded some more. The tow truck finally showed up and I laughed. It was an F150. I had an F250 4×4. The difference was he had chains to attach to her car. He charged $300.

I got back late. My alarm went off earlier than I would have liked because I had a signing in Riverside for Adam and Eve. Traffic sucked. It was technically two signings. I got home after Midnight.

So today I get to relax. My call time tomorrow is 4:30am in Hollywood for a commercial I’m doing. I have to show up with red fingernails and expect not to be done before 8pm. My call time the next day is 7am in the desert for “The 8^th day”, which means I’ll probably drive up Monday night and stay in a hotel. Then Wednesday morning the flight leaves at 7 am to take us on a four day signing tour in the northeast. I’ll fly home Sunday and Monday I’ll be back on set. I truly cherish today.

Penthouse Germany had a successful Penthouse Club Tour last year and will be making their rounds again for the 2008/2009 year!

“Nach der erfolgreichen PENTHOUSE-Clubtour im letzten Jahr geht PENTHOUSE auch 2008/2009 wieder mit einer fetten Clubtour an den Start. Stylische Lounges, beleuchtete Tanzpodeste und Megabanner bieten einen gelungenen optischen Background zu diesem Megaevent. Dazu gibt es eine atemberaubende Dance Performance der PENTHOUSE-Showmodels, jede Menge heißer PENTHOUSE-Girls in knappen Outfits und eine ansprechende visuelle Video-Show. Also, nicht lang fackeln und losfeiern!!”

Penthouse Germany had a great time with the Penthouse Club Tour that they will again be visiting the hottest clubs for 2008/2009! Stylish lounges, lit dance floors are the backdrop to this Mega-Event! Check out the sexy Penthouse Dance Girls and the Penthouse Centerfolds as you party all night!

PENTHOUSE-CLUBTOUR DATES:

11.10.2008 - München - P1

www.p1-club.de

17.10.2008 - Straubingen - Stars

www.stars-straubing.de

18.10.2008 - Nabburg - Arena

www.pearls.de

01.11.2008 - Krefeld - Königsburg

www.koenigsburg.de

08.11.2008 - Köln - Diamonds

www.club-diamonds.de

15.11.2008 - Kuppenheim - Sonic

www.sonic-planetdance.de

22.11.2008 - Menteroda - Residenz

www.club-residenz.de

29.11.2008 - Kempten - Altes Parktheater

www.parktheater-kempten.de

13.12.2008 - München - M-Park

www.m-park.tv

20.12.2008 - Burghausen - Gum

www.gastroundmusik.de

10.01.2009 - Bochum - Prater

www.prater.de

Visit: Penthouse.de/ClubTour for more Penthouse Club Tour Info

Leave it to Howard Stern to put together the sexiest bowling competition we’ve ever seen.

Howard TV on Demand has made hot-chick history once again by combining babes, bikinis, boobs, and bowling in a new original series that features our Penthouse Pet of the Year Runners-Up Justine Joli (2008) and Krista Ayne (2007), and a number of porn stars, including Gina Lynn and Savanna Samson. Bowling Beauties is hosted by comedian Jim Florentine and Scott “the Engineer” Salem of The Howard Stern Show. The uncensored reality series takes 16 hotties in custom-made stiletto bowling shoes and—of course—bikinis, plunks them down at New York City’s Harlem Lanes, and pits them against one another in a sexy, bound-to-get-crazy multi-round elimination tournament. The ladies are competing for a cash prize and a coveted Howard TV bowling trophy, so we can only hope that the tops come off and the infighting kicks off quickly. [Editor’s note: If we can be so bold as to suggest a sequel idea, the top finishers could stage a wrestling match.]

The bowling show was a decade in the making: Back in 1998, when Stern and Howard TV Executive Producer Doug Z. Goodstein were doing a broadcast of Stern’s radio show on E! Entertainment, they were pitched a concept called “Bikini Babe Bowl-a-Rama.” They both loved the idea, but it didn’t fit the format of the show. That’s just as well, because now the FCC is out of the picture and we all can see just how raunchy the action gets.

So, the big question remains: How long does it take for the girls to go topless? Goodstein wasn’t giving anything away, but he did say, “The bikinis were sexy enough, but we always welcome nudity on Howard TV.”

Still, this is a real bowling competition, and if there’s one thing we know about beautiful women after so many years of Pet of the Year Playoffs, it’s that each and every one of them has a fierce competitive streak. “I will say the Penthouse Pets and porn stars surprised a lot of people,” Goodstein also tells us. “They took it real seriously, and I heard Justine, Krista, and Gina all took bowling lessons prior to the show to improve their game.”

We know we’ll be rooting for Justine and Krista, but still, we had to ask: How did our own bowling beauties do? “Justine had a great technique and a sexy approach and eyed her pins like a pro,” says Supervising Producer Mike Gange. “She seemed to know what she was doing. I can’t give away how the girls fared, but-as you know-topless is the best way to bowl.” The one tidbit of gossip we did pick up is that Justine was the first one to liberate the twins from their bikini bondage, and the other ladies followed her lead. Not surprisingly, Justine picked up a new fan. Producer Lee Gerowitz practically swooned as he said, “God bless Justine Joli. I want to marry her. She’s a goddess.”

The 3rd Annual Penthouse Naughty Halloween Party
Hosted By Penthouse Pets
Cassia Riley and Lux Kassidy

Music By DJ Vertigo

Sexy Costumes Suggested

Friday October 31, 2008
Pangaea-Lounge
Seminole-Hard Rock Hotel & Casino
Hollywood, FL

Pangaea-Lounge.com

Let me begin by making it clear that this is not my story. And no, I am not embellishing. It happened to a man with a slight Mohawk and an otherwise wholesome look. He makes good money. Drives a nice car. Lives alone in a clean house and keeps in shape between occasional late night fast food runs. He hasn’t’ dated seriously since his marriage ended. He writes children’s books on the side.

So the man went to a bar one night with the intention of doing nothing beyond killing time. His buddy showed up but got distracted by the dartboard and graduated to the category of useless. The man sat on a bar stool a few drinks in with a beer in hand while the bartender wiped up around him. The place smelled of peanut husks and wood and desperately needed to be filled with curls of cigarette smoke and dust to get the mood right. A girl walked in and surveyed the row of empty seats and chose the one next to him. She smiled and in broken English introduced herself. She was a Japanese tourist. She stuck out her hand and he grasped it and shook as his other hand swooped down over her jean skirt and then under and between her legs and he began fingering her.

She was surprisingly receptive. She threw her head back and made little foreign moaning sounds as he picked up speed and worked harder and started getting a clearer picture of what was actually happening right then. He made a split decision and pushed his seat out abruptly behind him and marched to the bathroom, abandoning beer and female alike and hoping both would be gone when he came out. He took his time in there. Washed his hands. Smoothed down his shirt. Checked his budding prep Mohawk. Everything was in place and he had run out of things to fidget with so he took a deep breath and walked back out.

She was still perched on the stool next to his empty seat and his beer hadn’t moved but the situation had changed drastically. On the other side of his seat now sat a second tourist. She wasn’t the looker tourist #1 was but she had the same youthful body and jean skirt and he set his jaw and sat back down.

Tourist #1 leaned into him as she pulled his right hand back towards her skirt and motioned to the new arrival and said “do her what you do me” in a heavy accent. With a quizzical look he extended his left hand in the other direction and found himself fingering both girls as they writhed theatrically and the bartender took his order for another round of drinks.

The evening had hit a point where he needed to either walk away or step it up. Not that the choice was entirely uninfluenced by female pressure and an unwilling hard on. The girls followed him back to his place in a taxi that he admittedly tried to lose a few times with sharp turns and weird acceleration but he was no match for a professional driver.

Once inside they jumped him. He didn’t make it past the hardwood floors of his living room. He could have been a blow up doll or a CPR dummy underneath them as he made a few more mild attempts at making sense of the situation. He was covered in foreign skin and clothes manifested themselves in a ring around him. He couldn’t keep track of all that black hair. They spoke to each other in Japanese and giggled and came on again with a vengeance. Finally he metaphorically threw up his hands and waved the white flag and let them do to him what they would.

When it was over they sat smoking on his couch and chattering in a language he didn’t speak. He wasn’t sure how to make the situation more awkward. They couldn’t leave until the taxi arrived and the attempts they made at communication involved the support of a lot of hand gestures. Then he got an idea. He went to his back room and came out again with a “V for Vendetta” mask on and a handful of props. He started playing with his special levitating baton and they went crazy. They jumped up and down on the couch and clapped their hands and laughed that laugh that sounds like it’s coming from a child with limited mental capacity but is really just the result of growing up in two entirely different cultures. He kept his magic show going for as long as they were amused.

Eventually they found themselves in the same position though, him feeling strangely left out in his own living room and them talking about any number of things in a language he couldn’t follow. Then they were arguing. Tourist #2 stood up and stormed out and jumped in the taxi that was intended for both of them and took off. Tourist #1 remained on the couch, now crying quietly. He was in over his head. She finally got herself together as he frantically dialed another taxi. She smiled. A big, blank, we can’t communicate kind of smile. She motioned to her chest and motioned to him and asked “I stay with you?”

He pointed at himself, “me?”, then did a little back and forth movement between them and spread his fingers with his palms facing her. Universal sign for stop. “no no no” he repeated wildly waving his open hands. He was stepping on his own tongue. He stared into her gaping expressionless smile and he motioned to his chest again. “I have girlfriend” he said. “Home any minute!”

She gasped and smacked his chest playfully. “You have girlfriend?” “you bad boy!” Right then the taxi was pulling up outside his window and he tried to rush her out the door. She still wanted his email though. She still wanted his phone number. She still wanted to see him again. He gave her all the information she wanted for a man he named Chavez. Anything to make her go. He finally exhaled as she smiled and waved excitedly from a taxi that was fading into the distance.

Another day another signing. We are in the heart of the Midwest and it can be a culture shock but despite the rumors it’s never dull. I’ve been buying too many things at the sex stores. It bothers me that their selection is better than ours. Go Midwesterners.

Yesterday we got a few colorful fans if you will. There was the college drop out duo who followed us from one signing to the next and stood behind the wall and just stared. Then they tried choppy conversation and it was memorable simply because of the flair. They are the Jay and Silent Bob of Indianapolis. You could get a contact high off their breath.

Then there was the uber fan. We like them because they appreciate all the things that the rest of the population does not. We spend the money on upgraded pedicures for them. We keep our sexual fantasies consistent for them. We put in the extra energy. He bought both of the magazines I was on the cover of and he wanted polaroids of our feet, top and bottom. He already had the “Rollerdollz” special edition and he wanted the shoelace signed. He told us about nudist colonies and the sexual and non sexual ones and how he once walked in on a gang bang at a non sexual one. He told Courtney she looked like Nancy Sinatra and she smiled. He told her he once got a hooker who looked like Nancy Sinatra.

And don’t forget the night guard. Mid forties with eyes like a basset hound only one droops more than the other. Smile like a two year old who just smeared poop in the crib. He came back a few times and grinned devilishly when I caught him looking at banana hammocks. Shiny ones with extra room for the banana. He couldn’t have been over 5’10” but he was at least an XXL shirt. Later he told us he was thinking about getting into the adult industry. A lot of them are out here. Courtney wants to know what he wants to do in the industry. Stripping he says. Own a strip club? No. He wants to dance for bachelorettes at house parties. He smooths his baby soft red brown hair under his hands and stands taller. He says that’s why he’s looking at man thongs and we all smile for different reasons. He says he already wears them and Courtney unwisely pushes the issue. He pulls the waist of his jeans toward us and stretches the band of a thong away from his body. It’s black. And shiny. He’s got that look again like the two year old with poop. We can’t help but visualize the scenario when he confides that it’s break-away.

We get to the next signing early because we didn’t account for the time change. Solution: wine coolers and old rock in the bus with various media forms. I pull out a cell phone a digital camera and a camcorder and grab a few amateur updates with Courtney Cummz for our websites (www.clubkayden.com and
www.courtneycummz.com). There was a slight hiccup at the liquor store where a teenage cowboy tried to pick a fight with Tony in the cooler. We can only conclude jealousy seeing as Tony was traveling with two females and he was traveling with a pudgy dude in a cast. Tony buying liquor in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday makes his situation looks promising. Redneck buying liquor in the middle of an afternoon on a Saturday with another dude makes his situation look slightly depressing. You can see how emotions would fly.

Well folks that’s all for now they’re calling me to sign.

I’m on a signing tour for the release of “RollerDollz” right now. We’re somewhere in the Midwest and the bus is plastered with our images. We’re larger than life in bikinis and skates. People ask and we’re all on a derby team. Or potential customers ask and we’re all yours baby, on a disk, with a calendar and a Polaroid. $49.95 cash or credit.

But no one has prepared me for the Midwestern mothers. One hefty one was on us in Subway. All she saw was a bus and two of the girls pictured on the bus climb out for lunch. She was taking pictures of us while we stood in line. She shoved her nine year old kid in Courtney’s arms and told them to say cheese. She followed us back out and took pictures of the bus. Pictures of us walking to the bus. Pictures of us getting on the bus. Pictures of us in the bus. Pictures of us eating.

If you missed the last party (pics, video) here’s your next chance to party with some Penthouse Pets.

The Penthouse Wrap Party at Boulevard3
Penthouse Pets, Alektra Blue, Brea Lynn and Audrey Bitoni
6523 Sunset Boulevard Hollywood CA 90028
Sat Oct. 4th 8:30pm - 2:00am

Events:
9-11pm Red Carpet and Cocktail Hour Powered by V2 Energy Vodka
11:15pm Luxury Kitten Fashion Show
11:30pm Les Femme Cherie

“Pin Up”
Director: Kelly Holland
Featuring:Rocco Reed, Tori Black, Shawna Lenee, Jayden James, Brianna Beach

“Traderz”
Director: Guy Capo
Featuring: Nick Manning, Rachel Roxxx, Roxy Deville, Prinzzess, Phoenix Marie

I am a workaholic.

It’s easy to be though in my line of work.

It just blends so seamlessly with play.

Right now I’m waiting for my newest footage to upload to my other computer. I have to get it up and get it edited and get it on the server before I go to bed so my webmaster can use it as today’s update on my site (www.clubkayden.com). Today only started a few hours ago. And honestly, I would be in bed if it weren’t for the last minute call. I had just dropped off tons of new content to be sent out and edited and prepared for a few week’s worth of updates as well as some content that had already been cut and was ready to post. An hour later I was standing outside of a Hollywood restaurant trying to figure out how to get the man in front of me to come to my place so I could boink him. He thought I should come to his. He likes his bed better. But I have to work in the morning and I don’t want to deal with traffic. We were both making very good points. We had hit a stalemate.

Then the phone rang. My webmaster was scanning the disks and today’s footage was not on it. No bueno. I have tons of back up photo sets but we needed video and nothing was ready to go. We’re doing five updates a week. The stuff is flying off the shelves. We tried to think fast but it was already late and my mind was clouded by the prospect of penis. Finally I thought of something brilliant: I have a pussy and a camera. I can do my first POV masturbation scene. Then the man who had a much clearer mind than myself chimed in with another nugget of brilliance: He had a penis.

Just add lube. Spit. I don’t believe in lube from a bottle. I told him I was high jacking his genitalia for stunt cock and drug him back to Burbank. I put on some lip gloss and clamped a desk lamp to the side of the bed and we were in business. At that moment my entire objective in life was to blow that man. And I did. I saved the day.

Despite the last minute porn emergency my plans for the evening survived. I got the sexy time. I got it at my house. And I got it on camera.

Club Kayden:1 Life’s Obstacles: 0

Dr. Victoria Zdrok will be answering phones today Sept. 25th from 12-2pm EST. When you place your phone order with PenthouseStore.com Penthouse Sexpert, Dr. Z will on hand to take calls.

If you haven’t read her sex tips, toy choices or advice columns…you should definitely visit her at: PenthouseMagazine.com/DrZ