Q:
I’ve been married for ten years, and my wife and I have sex only a few times per month. Is that normal? My problem is that I am a much more sexual person than she is, and I wish she would be up for it more often. I am surrounded by hot women at work who appear to be horny and willing. I am considering taking my wife to a sex therapist to see if it would lead to her putting out more. Do you think it’s a worthwhile investment?
A:
Is your sex life normal? Yes, it is. It may be below the national average (about once a week is the average sexual frequency for an American couple), but mismatched libidos are very common. In fact, desire discrepancy is the most frequently presented complaint of couples seeking sex therapy. Usually it is the guy who hopes that the therapy can somehow “fix” his less interested girlfriend—but unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for this problem. There are simply constitutional differences in our sex drives—some of us have the innate desire to screw more often than others! However, therapy can help.
The first step would be to collect your and your wife’s dating, sexual, and medical histories. Was your wife’s libido always lower than yours, or are there precipitating factors that lowered her sexual desire, such as childbearing, stress, depression, or a medical condition? Does she express satisfaction with your sex life? What are the triggers for her arousal, her pre-conditions for her desire, and how often are they met? Once these variables are known, a therapist can devise a treatment plan to boost your wife’s libido.
The key, of course, is for her to want more sexual interactions with you. Otherwise, her motivation to go to a therapist is likely to be low. If she is not motivated to go through with therapy, or if it fails, compromise: Agree to pleasure yourself more frequently, perhaps while she watches. Meanwhile, she should promise to “just do it” from time to time, even when she is not in the mood. And to answer your implied question, your wife’s lower libido doesn’t justify you hooking up with all those supposedly hot and horny women at work. The reason they appear so willing to you is because you are so damn horny!
Victoria Zdrok's combination of beauty and intelligence has earned her the label as "sexpert" in many media outlets. She writes a monthly column on love, sex, and dating for Penthouse Magazine entitled "Ask Dr. Z," and a column on sexuality and the law for Penthouse Forum. She is a frequent contributor to several publications and has her own SIRIUS Satellite Radio specialty show, The Sex Connection, on Howard 101. You can find out more about Dr. Z at www.sexysexpert.com
