67 Euphemisms for MasturbationIn which we add to the rich and infinite lexicon of terms for hitchhiking under the big top.
By Drew Magary • Illustrations by Cliff Mott

When I was younger, I went to see the late George Carlin perform at the Warner Theatre in Torrington, Connecticut. One of Carlin’s signature bits was to bust out a very long and extensive list of euphemisms for various body parts and sex acts, all arranged neatly by category. Carlin was a very fastidious man when it came to cursing.

We Torrington folk were treated to a small sample from the male masturbation category of Carlin’s list (go to GeorgeCarlin.com to see them all). Needless to say, the man’s knack for sexual metaphors was, and remains, unrivaled in the history of masturbatory lexicography. Carlin was Urban Dictionary before Urban Dictionary was Urban Dictionary. I distinctly remember a handful of Carlin’s names for jacking off, particularly, “choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come” and “hitchhiking under the big top,” which is genius on more levels than I can count.

I don’t know why talking about masturbation delights me so. Perhaps it’s because it gives me something to do between bouts of aggressively masturbating. If you’re holding this magazine, you clearly know a thing or two about onanism. I find talking about jacking it funny because flogging the dolphin is something done in solitude (or in the company of a watchful intern), yet we all do it. It’s at once universal and terribly isolating. It’s also funny as shit.

So, with that in mind, let’s channel our inner Carlin and deliver 67 brand (spanking?) new euphemisms for choking the chicken, beating the bishop, strangling the snail, and what have you. For when it comes to whacking off, the possibilities never end.

1. Butter your belt
2. Hold your mayo
3. Pull your jet out of its tailspin
4. Drizzle some aioli
5. Help yourself to yourself
6. Blow your cock nose
7. Roll your quarters
8. Make whitefish salad
9. Hit the diving board
10. Add a side of tartar sauce
11. Take the old bastard sword out of its scabbard
12. “Time for Zeus to make some white lightning”
13. Go for the submission hold
67 Euphemisms for Masturbation
14. Spread your seed
15. Visit the stallion ranch and make some glue
16. Mark your territory
17. Dress the salad
18. Cradle your stick
19. Water your pants
20. Make some soft-serve
21. Cast your rod
22. Shoot your web
67 Euphemisms for Masturbation
23. Feed the beast
24. Hanj it over
25. Call in a fire and grab the extinguisher
26. Paint the fence
27. Make some mead
28. Make toad babies
29. Make man-aise
30. Stir the cauldron
31. Fly your broomstick
32. Release White Fang into the wild
33. Brandish your PR-24 and interrogate the prisoner
34. Bend some steel
35. Milk the bull
36. Throw out some zingers
37. Ice the cupcake
38. Make a visit to Dr. Claw
39. Inflate the zeppelin
40. “This little piggy went to the creamery”
41. Watch mind porn
42. Summon the genie
43. Fly your kite
44. Show everyone who the real alpha dog is
45. Bruise the cucumber
46. Bat the tetherball ’round the pole
47. Raise your mast
48. Tune your instrument
49. Play guitar with your whammy bar (Remember whammy bars? No one ever uses those anymore.)
50. Plump your frank
51. Goliath vs. the Gang of Five
52. Raise the monolith
53. Charm the cobra
54. Direct traffic
55. Spread some cheer
56. Nuke the Kleenex
57. Scotchgard the sheets
58. Bury the hatchet
59. Join General William TeCUMseh Sperman at Bull Run and march with him to the Semen
60. Drain the bacon fat
61. Fill the Oreo
62. Spray your cheese
63. Freeze your rope
64. Light your saber
65. Bust your joystick (I once had an old Atari joystick. It had a rubber cover you pulled off, revealing a thin, white plastic stick underneath. I then chewed on this stick. You can’t tell me this wasn’t latent homosexual behavior.)
67 Euphemisms for Masturbation
66. Visit Willy Wanka’s white chocolate factory
67. Jam the radar

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  • Caveman34221

    68. clubbing the baby sealn69. spanking the monkeyn70. fucking your self

  • Dzfhsd

    You forgot “Going #3″

  • DJ

    These are terrible… why don’t you call it “doin’ your taxes” and be done with it

  • http://www.8bitrocket.com 8bitjeff

    Dancing with the one-eyed sailor.n

  • Guestopher

    How aboutnn68. Rape your handn69. Churn some ball butter

  • spankalicious

    shaking hands with the unemployed.

  • http://twitter.com/StanWarnerJr Stan Warner Jr.

    Where is Five Knuckle Shuffle?

  • Rat Masterson

    You missed, “Biden the Obama;” or “Obama the Biden,” depending on which hand you use.

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