Are You Faster than a 300 Pound Lineman?

Nine sports hypotheticals guaranteed to stoke hours of bar-stool debate.
By John Bolster and Peter Schrager
Illustrations by Chris Hiers

As sports conversations go, the “What if” proposition is one of the most compelling, probably even topping the “what just happened” and the “what will happen” questions as a conversation starter. Hey, college football structures its entire season, and crowns its champion, on a “what if” basis. This is also known as the national polls and the BCS—and it’s wildly popular. So yeah: Sports fans love to argue hypothetical scenarios as much as they love chicken wings, and cheese fries topped with bacon bits. And sour cream. And more cheese. With that in mind, here are nine hypothetical sports questions you didn’t know you needed to know, with experts’ opinions on each. Plug these in after mainstays like “Kobe versus LeBron,” “DH or no DH,” and “playoff versus bowl system” have gone stale. Then order another pitcher and settle in … you’re gonna be a while.

1. If you quit your job and practiced bowling for four hours a day for a year, could you make the Professional Bowlers Association Tour?

Hell no! Using his unique two-handed style, Australia’s Jason Belmonte has bowled 33 perfect games, and won a gold medal at the 2006 Youth World Championships. He is currently battling for a spot on the PBA Tour. Here’s his answer to our question: “I would like to propose a wager. Any bloke reading this who thinks that after practicing for one year he could make the PBA, I will hang up my own shoes and be his personal caddy! The day that someone makes the exempt field of the Professional Bowlers Association with only one year of training will be the day that we Australians wish we were New Zealanders. And that, my mates, will never ever happen.”

With time to spare. Look, this is bowling, a sport—or rather, a game—that has bylaws specifically
addressing the use of tobacco and alcohol during competition. Booze and butts are not allowed, but the fact that they’re discussed at all shows you where bowling’s roots lie. Awkward office outings and little kids’ birthday parties are organized around bowling. Sometimes, laser lights are involved. Our pal’s brother rolled a 235 once, and he was half in the bag. What if he got serious about it? Well, first he’d have to grow a mullet and a cheesy mustache. After that and some focused practice, he’d be on the PBA tour within six months.

2. Could you beat NFL lineman Fred Robbins in the 40-yard dash? Robbins is six four, 317 pounds.

Fat chance. A group of us were sitting in a Manhattan bar watching Steelers versus Giants last season when some Giants players’ wives and girlfriends came strolling in. After a few drinks, we started chatting them up. One of our friends told Robbins’s girl (who was not six four, 317 pounds) that he could beat her man in the 40-yard dash. Her response? She busted out laughing. “Fast Freddy? No way.” We agreed. Robbins is a top-flight professional athlete whose livelihood depends on his quick feet and surprising agility—and he ran a 5.02 at the 2000 NFL combine. Our friend? Well, he’s a balding lawyer in his early thirties. Robbins gets the nod in that matchup ten out of ten times.

Actually, yes. We ran this one past Rob Rang, a senior draft analyst with CBSSports.com and NFLDraftScout.com. His answer: “Yes, the average-Joe jock could beat Fred Robbins in the 40-yard dash, if he was given the time and training that prospective NFL athletes use to prepare for the event. Of course, few people have the explosiveness and power Robbins and other NFL players have, but the real secret to the 40-yard dash is generating an explosive burst off the start, which can be taught. Just don’t tell Robbins I said so.”

3. Could a decent men’s-league hoops player in his twenties beat WNBA star Diana Taurasi in a game of one-on-one?

Are you crazy? Bethlehem Shoals is a cofounder and primary contributor to the innovative, cultfavorite NBA blog Free Darko. His take: “No chance. Even if we assume that said rec player is stronger, taller, and more athletic than she is [which we’d have to—otherwise Taur asi, a world-class athlete, would de stroy him], we’re talking about one-on-one. What matters is being able to shoot, knowing how to read your opponent, and being smart about when to go to the basket. None of the so-called ‘inherent’ advantages men have would ensure a victory. Taurasi in a walk.”

Of course he could. On the surface, even suggesting that a non-pro could give Taurasi a game sounds over-the-top sexist. She has a quality handle and a killer jump shot, but Taurasi is only six feet and 170 pounds. Find us a 210-plus-pound man with a wide body and some decent moves, and we’ll pick him on the premise that he can back her down in the post for 11 points. He’ll be stronger than her, and just as quick, if not quicker. And, oh yeah: He’s a guy. Pride alone would spur him to the win.

4. If given six weeks to focus, prepare, and train, could you qualify for the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest?

You’d suffer a “Roman incident” by dog No. 10. Crazy Legs Conti is an eight-year veteran of the proeating circuit. He is currently ranked 14th in the world by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. This is what he told us: “The Nathan’s contest really is a dog-eat-dog world, and your average Joe is better off couch-bound, watching ESPN, with a plate of wieners in front of him. Let him boast, ‘I could do that,’ and then see how he feels around double digits. I say no-go on the average Joe. But if your guy insists, tell him to show up at the Citi Field, Daly City, or Camden qualifier—you must win a qualifier outright to make it to Coney—and expect to get lapped. It’s not a 50-yard dash, it’s a marathon of eating. Most hit the wall early and cramp up. The fetal position doesn’t aid digestion, but it does indicate a picnicker, a hobbyist, or a casual diner.”

With the right prep work, yes. Actually, no. We got nothin’ here, sorry. Most of us are content to remain amateurs when it comes to the art of “stomach-stretching calisthenics,” as Conti puts it. And this proposition has been tested, in a 2005 British documentary, The Big Eat. Regular Joe failed miserably.

5. If you had every available resource and a $400,000 reward for succeeding, could you and three buddies make the 2010 Olympic team in curling?

No. There is more technique—much more—than meets the eye. When he tried curling for the first time, CBC radio host Ian Brown said that the difficulty of the sport “lies in the fact that you have to do about 40 things exactly right, all at the same time.” Like a golf swing, the basic curling technique has a lot of moving parts and, as Brown said, “takes five minutes to learn, and 400 years to perfect.” You and your pals would have less than one year. You might not even get the rules down in that time.

Please, it’s a nursing home sport. Curling has often been called “chess on ice” for the supposedly complex strategies it requires, but we say “shuffleboard on ice” is more like it. Give us the coaching, the facilities, and that kind of financial incentive (to stave off the boredom!), and hell yes, see you in Vancouver!

6. If LeBron James were to pick up a lacrosse stick and learn the game, could he be the best player in NCAA Division I within a year?

He may play in Cleveland, but he ain’t Jim Brown. We consulted John Jiloty, vice president and editor in chief of Inside Lacrosse magazine. His reply: “NFL legend Jim Brown was a lacrosse All-American at Syracuse, it’s true, but he grew up playing the game on Long Island, acquiring the skill set during years of practice. LeBron would definitely blow by D-I defensemen, but he’d be slinging shots all over the field. The nuances of shooting a lacrosse ball are like swinging a golf club or hitting a baseball. So, for that first year at least, think Michael Jordan hacking out .200 in minor-league baseball more than Jim Brown scoring at will in college lacrosse.”

It wouldn’t even take a year: Lacrosse is played predominantly in the Northeast and in the posh suburbs of Long Island and outside Baltimore. You don’t think LeBron could dominate a bunch of kids who wear Lacoste polos with their collars popped and listen to Phish? The guy is six eight, 250 pounds, and quicker than most NBA players! He’d figure out the game in no time—it actually has a lot in common with basket-ball—then make a mockery of it. Sorry to all the prep-school alumni out there. It’s the truth.

7. Assuming he’s never played, could an NFL running back, such as the Eagles’ Brian Westbrook, train with a decent Division I men’s college soccer team for a season and be good enough to make the varsity by season’s end?

He’d still have two left feet. Evan Bruno was an All-American striker at Lehigh University in 2001. He tells Penthouse: “Brian Westbrook is a tremendous athlete, but soccer is a technical game that requires a skill set acquired through a lifetime of practicing. He’d be faster than the guy covering him, but Westbrook would be useless on a soccer field. He might get to the ball first, but he would trip over it.”

Yes, on sheer athleticism. Alexi Lalas is a National Soccer Hall of Famer, and one of the only Americans to play in the Italian Serie A. He argues, “Most coaches believe that you can teach someone to play a sport, but you can’t teach them to be an athlete. If you start with an athlete, there’s much more room for improvement. In soccer, speed is the great equalizer. I believe that an NFL running back could excel, but only in a defensive capacity. Defending is about destroying rather than creating, and we all know which is easier. I think Westbrook could become a defensive force by the end of a season, simply relying on athleticism and speed.”

8. Could you shoot a higher percentage from the free-throw line than Shaquille O’Neal
(career 52.8 percent)?

No, it’s not as easy as it looks. If we were talking about foul shots in practice, with no crowd, pressure, or fatigue, then yes, you’d have a shot. But we’re talking about real games, where all of those things will impact you. The rule of thumb is that your in-game free throw average will be ten percentage points lower than your practice average. So let’s assume you can make 60 of 100 shots from the line in an empty gym. We’d have to bump you down to a sub-Shaq 50 for in-game action.

Hell, we could do it Bo Kimble–style: In the NBA, the league-wide free-throw average has been around 75 percent for the past 50 years. In the NCAA, it’s been at 69 percent since the mid-1960s, and—here’s the rub—in high school, the national aver age was 67 percent in 2008. That means that even sucky teams from suburban high schools were knocking down free throws at a clip 15 percent higher than Shaq’s career figure. So, yes, we could shoot 14 percent worse from the line than your average high school player.

9. If you trained with an NFL team as a kicker for an entire preseason, could you kick a 20-yard field goal with the first game of the year on the line?

You’d cave under the pressure. Stefan Fatsis is the author of A Few Seconds of Panic, which details his adventure as a placekicker for the Denver Broncos. He says, “You think you could—any dork can kick a football, right?—but you couldn’t. As with most athletic acts, the necessary strength, coordination, and focus are beyond the ken of blowhard fans. And even if the kick doesn’t faze you, the pressure will. In Denver, I was nailing ’em from 40 on the practice field. When something was on the line, well, as one teammate said afterward, ‘Thanks for fucking us!’ ”

It’s a chip shot. Fatsis’s book was awesome, but we respectfully disagree and think you, ex-jock reader, could do it. If you played any soccer in your youth, you should have the necessary skills. And if you applied your-self during training camp, you could get used to the pressure of the moment.