Baker’s Dozen, Dude

Light a joint, pull a tube, spark a bowl—and open the door to your feminine side, without repercussion. These 13 activities totally aren’t gay if you do them while stoned.
-By Drew Magary
Illustration by Ike Ledbetter

I’m a heterosexual person, which has always been fine by me. As a heterosexual man in America, you get to do all sorts of awesome shit. You can talk with other guys about tits. You can legally marry a woman in any state you please (and, if you live in Texas, shoot at them). You can attend Slayer concerts. You can steal this magazine. All in all, it’s a pretty sweet deal.

But sometimes I get tired of this whole heterosexuality business. Sometimes, I’d really just like to sit at home and watch a Hugh Grant film. But I can’t do that.

You see, being a heterosexual man in America means that, 24 hours a day, you must put up a thick front of overpostured hypermasculinity. That means you have to append any statement or action you make that could be perceived as gay with a strong reaffirmation of your own heterosexuality. Like, “Hey, those are some lovely roses. But it’s not like I suck cock or anything. I can leg press 700 pounds.” Failure to do so means having to endure merciless catcalls from your heterosexual peers: “Oh, my God! You actually like this Scissors Sisters song? What a fag! Hey, everyone, Drew’s a fag!”

And that’s no good.

We heterosexual men need a safe haven to indulge our feminine side without triggering hysterical gay-panic taunts and mental trauma. As with most problems in this country, the solution lies in amateur pharmacology.

Now, I’ve gotten drunk a whole shitload of times in my life, and alcohol only serves to amplify the hetero steakhead in all of us. Weed, on the other hand, does the exact opposite. I’ve always found that pot helps strip away that clichéd veneer of machoness and helps me just mellow the fuck out and be the real me.

Turns out the real me really enjoys making some fucking cupcakes. Who knew?

With that in mind, here are 13 activities, in no particular order, that totally aren’t gay so long as you, Mr. Macho Man, are blazed out of your goddamn mind.

1. Baking.
If you make a tray of brownies while your buddies are over and you aren’t stoned, that’s kind of fucked up. But do it after you’ve all had seven bong hits, and you are a goddamn hero, my friend. Because, man, those brownies smell soooo fucking good. How long until they’re ready? Five minutes? Christ, that’s forever from now. Do they have walnuts? Oh, man. Walnuts are the tits.

2. Swinging on a playground swing.
You ever do this? My God, you are fucking flying, my friend. I swear you can touch the sun. Now I know why that weird 40-year-old guy is always hanging out at the playground. He’s not a pederast. He just smoked a J and wants to soar!

3. Going on walks.
Fun fact: Zero percent of all heterosexual men go on walks alone. No guy walks for the sake of walking. There needs to be a purpose. A destination. That is to say: a titty bar. When you’re stoned, it’s about the journey, man.

4. Enjoying cheesy eighties music without being ironic.
“Whoa. When did ‘Rio’ become the greatest fucking song ever? It’s like I’m hearing it for the first time!”

5. Talking about politics.
I fucking hate people who talk about politics, and so do you. But that all changes when you get stoned. Because any political point you make while stoned is nothing short of revolutionary. “Man, this whole fucking energy crisis could be solved if we just all agreed to make cars that run on fucking almonds.” Indeed.

6. Skipping.
You scoff, but try skipping 50 yards baked without busting a smile. It’s biologically impossible, like trying to open your eyes while sneezing, or not punching Jimmy Fallon when he’s within striking distance.

7. Playing a bongo or circle drum.
Bonus stoner points to you if you’re playing buck naked, à la Matthew McConaughey, and using your penis as a mallet.

8. Telling other people you love them.
This might happen when you’re drunk, but if it happens when you’re stoned, you can’t overemphasize it enough. It’s urgent: “No, man, you don’t get it. I fucking love you.”

9. Eating cotton candy.
Ditto for giant novelty lollipops, foot-long corndogs, and, surprisingly, fondue. Cherries jubilee? Still gay no matter how baked you are—it’s a flaming dessert (literally), and a fire hazard to the stoned.

10. Listening to jam-band music.
Jam-band music usually makes me want to stab people with a switchblade. But one time I got stoned and some asshole put on a Grateful Dead CD, and I could almost kind of sort of understand the whole appeal. It’s just a loose, free-flowing thing, you know? They’re just going where the music takes them, and Jesus, does this song even have a chorus?!

11. Trying on shoes.
Try on a pair of New Balances while higher than God. You’ll swear you can dunk on a 90-foot rim.

12. Asking for hugs.
Hey, I despise the Dave Matthews Band as much as you do (see No. 10). But remember their video with the guy hugging random people on the street? That was Judah Friedlander, and there probably wasn’t a more heterosexual, or apparently stoned, man than him in the city that day.

13. Declaring to others that you are “craving chocolate right now.”
Unless you’re a 38-year-old woman enrolled in a Winning Points program at Weight Watchers, chocoholism is not to be discussed sober among your peers.