Call them what you will—chumps, losers, suckers—but these guys all turned down guaranteed hot, nasty nookie.
By Ronnie Koenig
Illustrations by Mark Poutenis
The guys you’re about to meet had what they consider good reasons for not seizing the opportunity when invited to have sex with a ready-and-willing babe. And we’re not talking about saying no to so-so sex here. This isn’t about Doug, 33, who fled naked from a woman’s bed after sobering up and realizing the hottie he’d met in the bar was more like “Meat Loaf, with bigger tits.” And it’s not about Noah, 40, who, after getting a whiff of his bed partner’s unsanitary lady parts, made up an excuse and made a quick escape.
No, these guys failed to seize the night because they were “doing the right thing.” Are they bastions of moral decency, or just plain crazy?
From jocks to brainiacs, no man can resist the idea of banging a sorority girl. That is, no man except Jon, now 32, who decided to “just say no” to a pretty young pledge.
“I was in a fraternity in college, and there was this unspoken rule that we could hook up with the women from this one particular sorority. The girls weren’t forced to sleep with us or anything, but I didn’t like the idea of it. It was kind of like picking low-hanging fruit. There was no challenge involved. There was this one party my senior year, during pledge week. This cute little pledge from the sorority—she was short, with red hair and big tits, a really shy girl—comes up and starts giving me a lap dance. It was not subtle; she was literally rubbing her cooch on my leg. I knew that the sisters were ‘giving her’ to me, and that felt kind of creepy. I didn’t want to be that guy, so instead I just gave her a little kiss and went back to drinking with my friends. Of course, everyone gave me shit about it. I later heard that the girl was upset and crying. But I still stand by my decision.”
The Best Friend
We’ve heard the cliché that men and women can’t be friends. Chuck, now 37, decided he was the exception to that rule when he resisted his hot best pal’s advances in favor of—wait for it—her steadfast friendship.
“Lee and I have been best friends for years. Our friends used to always joke around and ask us when we were going to do it. But I honestly valued our friendship too much to risk it over a hookup, and I think she felt that way, too. That is, until one night after a mutual friend’s wedding, when we found our selves making out outside the reception. It was getting hot and heavy, but the thought kept running through my mind: This is your best friend—don’t fuck this up! And so I ended up driving her home and not going upstairs with her. The next day we laughed about it, and she said it was probably the right decision. Fast-forward five years, and we ended up sleeping together just once. And we’re still friends.”
The Single Teen Mom
Who hasn’t fantasized about getting it on with a sexy coworker? Abe, 38, ignored his secretary’s siren song for fear of being cast in the role of baby daddy.
“I was doing computer consulting work in Nassau, in the Bahamas, and one of the ladies in the office continually rubbed her breasts against me. Even though she had nice tits and a great figure, whenever she’d ‘accidentally’ rub her tits against me I’d either pretend not to notice, or say ‘excuse me’ and smile and move away. I would have gone for it if not for the fact that she was so young—she was barely 18—and had a very young child, which I wanted nothing to do with. As the job went on, she got more aggressive. She would ask about going out together, and say that she wanted to come over to my hotel room. I just ignored her advances until the day I left the island.”
The Best Friend’s Crush
A sexy waitress wanted to satisfy Mick, 25, but since he knew his best buddy was into her, all he picked up was the check.
“Joe and I have been best friends since college. He was totally in love with one of the waitresses that worked at a restaurant we frequented. I would tell him to just ask her out, but he’s a really shy guy and wouldn’t do it. Then one night I was really drunk and decided I needed something to eat. I went into the restaurant by myself, and our hot waitress was there. She flirted with me heavily when she brought me my order. I had the urgent need to piss, so I went into the men’s room. A second later, I notice someone else is in there. It’s the waitress, and she’s pressing her body up against mine and grabbing my cock. Under other circumstances, I would have been ready to go. She had an amazing body, really lean and toned. I never told Joe about it, but I did insist that we start eating at a different restaurant.”