Hollywood Hookers
By Anka Radakovich • Photographs by Carlos Gonzalez and Sam Graham

The fifth annual “Miss Hooker” pageant was held on March 30 at the Dragonfly Club in Hollywood, with nine contestants, including the lovely “Miss America Fuck Yeah,” vying for the coveted crown.

The bohemian beauty pageant celebrated the show of artist Natalia Fabia at the Corey Helford Gallery, a contemporary art gallery in Culver City, California. The gorgeous artist, whose work is inspired by “hot chicks and punk rock,” says the “hookers” are actually her sexy, punky girlfriends whom she uses as models in her paintings. “I use the term ‘hooker’ like guys use the term ‘dude,’ ” explains Fabia, dressed in a sexy whitesequined dress that shows the large chandelier tattoo on her back.

The gallery is the brainchild of art collectors Jan Helford and her husband, Bruce, who is a Hollywood television-show creator and writer for The Drew Carey Show, George Lopez, The Oblongs, and Anger Management.

Hosted by The Sarah Silverman Program comic Brian Posehn, the pageant’s celebrity judges included rock star and Penthouse columnist Dave Navarro, former porn star Traci Lords, and former dude Alexis Arquette. In true old-school burlesque style, Posehn kept the material “dirty” and told the crowd what a “big fat fuck” he was for eating donuts at three in the morning, and described the contestants as “way hotter and cuter than regular strippers.”

The performance began with a group number, followed by an evening-gown competition and a talent segment. The evening-gown competition mocked the traditional sort, with contestants wearing outfits like a black corset with fishnets and high heels, or a bra and panties with boots. The talent competition featured a sultry “Miss Guido” who played the trombone, a cute “Miss Nailed It” who pounded a nail through her tongue, and “Miss Anthropy” who began shy and uptight, with glasses and a librarian getup, then went all ape-shit horny, thrusting and humping her hand as the crowd went wild. Other aspiring contestants showcased their “hidden talents” as the crowd cheered and carried on, including a sexy Hula-hoop dance that showed off one girl’s hipthrusting skills. A ventriloquist act was right out of a freak show, with a creepy mannequin that talked dirty, while another contestant demonstrated her oral skills with a daring fire-breathing act.

The judges, sitting in a darkened booth, occasionally made comments via microphone. A third of the way into it, before they’d even gotten to the talent competition, Navarro announced that he was voting for “Miss Kitty Cadillac,” taking all of the pressure off himself. (Navarro, by the way, was on a date with hottie alt-porn star Joanna Angel.) When Posehn asked if Navarro had ever judged a hooker pageant before, he answered, “It’s a nightly event. This is my first external hooker event.” Arquette added, “I never judge a hooker.”

Navarro summed up the contest by telling us, “There was no doubt in my mind that Miss Kitty Cadillac was the overall most entertaining contestant and the clear winner. Imagine how gutted I was after the event, when I found out that she wasn’t, in fact, really a hooker! I had to hire one later who looked like her just to be able to sleep soundly.”

In the end, Miss Kitty Cadillac was crowned “Miss Hooker 2012,” due in part to her “talent,” which consisted of a rousing burlesque striptease culminating in lighting her tasseled nipple pasties on fire. Lords said she voted for her because “anyone who strips to the Cult and lights her tits on fire is someone I have to respect.” “Wow,” added Posehn, “Watching that set my wiener on fire.”

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