Ever wanted to combine the mouthwatering lusciousness of a hot woman with the potent buzz of a shot of booze? Read on.
By Amos Moses
G-Spirits is a German company run by a couple of ex-bartenders with a brilliant marketing plan. They procure quality liquors, pour the liquor (vodka, rum, or 12-year-old single-malt whisky) over the breasts of attractive models, rebottle it, brand it, and sell it for a lot of money. The whole thing is purportedly done under medical supervision to ensure that the stuff doesn’t end up in any other parts of the model’s anatomy before it goes back into the bottle, and that they’re not sponging it up off the floor. This is breast liquor of the finest quality. If you’re looking for ass liquor, you’ll just have to make do with your home brew for a while longer.
Each small-batch spirit is poured over a different spokesmodel’s breasts, so you have your Miss Vodka, Miss Rum, and Miss Whisky, as it were. Each bottle comes with a numbered certificate of authenticity, signed by the model whose breasts it was poured over. And despite the term “small batch,” each batch is composed of 5,000 bottles. That means after the obligatory photo shoot is over, there must be hours of somewhat grim, industrial, medically supervised breast dousing but G-Spirits assures us that it isn’t done all at once. Even if your bottle happens to be number 5,000, there should still be some residual erotic flavor to it. And God knows the model’s tits must be pretty sanitary by then, what with all that alcohol poured over them.
All very appealing, but how do they get the liquor back in the bottle? If you closely watch the promotional video on the company’s website, after all the glamour shots are done, there is a brief sequence that shows the lovely model Amina standing over a kind of agricultural contraption with a metal hose in hand, funneling liquor over her breasts into a special breast-rinsing sink. From there, we can only assume it drains back into a container of some sort before being centrifuged, pasteurized, and checked for hoof-and-mouth disease. It’s available only by mail order, from 119 euros to 139 euros, about $153 and $178 at the time of writing.