Strip Town

You’ve already indulged in some of the most splendid flesh factories in this great, naked land of ours—from Las Vegas to Miami to Hotlanta. But before you tie the knot, you might want to consider one other destination for that final G-string fling.
-By Jaime Lowe

Portland, Oregon, has many excellent qualities: proximity to lush, old-growth forests, downtown riverfronts, and a surfeit of brilliant bars and restaurants, to name but three. The best thing, though, about this liberal outpost in the Great Northwest is the way that its debauchery is so cleverly disguised. Yep, the soggy and progressive city with the word livable practically affixed to its name is an unlikely thriving mecca of after-dark entertainment. They’re hidden between yuppified localvore hangouts, extreme mountainbiking trails, and renovated midcentury lofts, but Portland is home to the most strip clubs per capita (and the most breweries!) in the country. Walking around town, one half-expects naked nymphs to drop from the trees. When it comes to strip shows, the City of Roses is always in bloom—which makes it a great last-smutty-exit before you reach the domesticated bliss of Marriageville, population two. It’s not like the locals are trying to hide their skin scene—it’s just another eccentric store-front. This is the land of maple bacon donuts and bikini-clad baristas, after all, so why not flame-swallowing clothes-shedders and—it gets weirder—vegan strip clubs?

Ask a native why their fair city hosts more peelers than any other in the nation, and you’re likely to get a variety of answers: a progressive interpretation of the First Amendment, licensing that includes all-nude dancing under the same umbrella as bands (entertainment is entertainment), a damp climate ten months out of the year that sends its hot-blooded citizens scurrying indoors, and, most important, a love of that almost-extinct alphatrifecta: whiskey, steak, and loins. Consequently, when it comes to the fleshy arts, Portlanders are more than willing tour guides—cab drivers, greenmarket grocers, and even complete strangers will chuckle and swear they never go out to the clubs, just before they labor over a list of their top spots. The uninitiated could, in fact, easily get overwhelmed. That’s where we come in.

MARY’S CLUB
129 S.W. Broadway, (503) 227-3023,
MarysClub.com
What Five Bucks Buys: At least ten dances (from the onstage jukebox, not on your lap, sailor), or two pints of PBR. Mary’s has only one small stage, so when you lay down bills at the rack, you’re well taken care of.
Tats and Piercings: In keeping with the club’s nautical theme, one dancer has a mermaid inked from her shoulder to her ass, so when she wiggles, the little mermaid does its own happy dance.
Special Attraction: There’s a small back room to the left of the entrance for lap dances, but Mary’s is really more of a quick-stop novelty, better known for burlesque than hard-core action.
Tunes: The dancers pay for their own songs, so between nude rounds, they slip bills in the juke, for anything from Gnarls Barkley to She Wants Revenge.
Who Goes There: The oldest topless club in Rose City, Mary’s is a classic. The walls are decked with back-lit nautical murals, left over from when the joint was a piano bar that catered to merchant seamen. It’s still popular with history-loving locals and pervy tourists.
Fun Fact: Courtney Love stripped here back in the day. We’re not sure where she strips now.

DEVIL’S POINT
5305 S.E. Foster, (503) 774-4513,
DevilsPointBar.com
What Five Bucks Buys: One of three local brews. A good, long look at disrobed women who excel at swinging from thick metal chains.
Tats and Piercings: Many and everywhere. The vibe is more Suicide Girls than Penthouse Club.
Special Attraction: Twice-weekly fire shows with flaming batons and stripaoke. If you really like your friend, request a lap dance from local legend Malice.
Tunes: Here’s a deejay with a sense of humor: Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom, Talking Heads, AC/DC, and Prince.
Who Goes There: American Apparel employees and Facebook junkies.
Fun Fact: The dancers are so talented, we’d take them against Cirque du Soleil in a flexibility-off.

THE ACROPOLIS STEAKHOUSE
8325 S.E. McLoughlin, (503) 231-9611,
MySpace.com/TheAcropolisSteakhouse
What Five Bucks Buys: A steak and a view. The owner raises and butchers his own cattle.
Tats and Piercings: Your garden-variety bellybutton rings and butterflies.
Special Attraction: Eating steak at the rack could be risky—are those sprouts in your salad or something else?!—but good luck resisting the urge to combine two of man’s eternal favorite pastimes.
Tunes: Blur, J. J. Fad, and mainstream hip-hop.
Who Goes There: Dudes who like their steak and potatoes with a side of fresh, succulent flesh.
Fun Fact: A-crop (as the locals call it) opens for breakfast at 7 A.M. More coffee with that poonani?

MAGIC GARDEN
217 N.W. 4th, (503) 224-8472,
MySpace.com/MagicGardensGirls
What Five Bucks Buys: A dance close enough to smell her … perfume.
Tats and Piercings: We salute the young lady proudly displaying a thin chain running from her belly button to her love button and who was rhythmically tugging it toward those with bills at the rack.
Special Attraction: A $20 lap dance in a private room from a stripper who studies the molecules of emotion and consequently knows how to use hands to manipulate energy. So there’s that.
Tunes: The gamut: Leonard Cohen to Hot Chip.
Who Goes There: Magic Garden is like the Cheers of strip clubs—everyone knows everyone in this friendly joint. A local engineer offered an appraisal of the talent: “They are all well-fucked and they want to extend their appreciation of love and sexuality.” We have nothing to add to that.
Fun Fact: For 50 smacks American, some girls will sell you the panties off their backside.

SASSY’S BAR & GRILL
927 S.E. Morrison, (503) 231-1606,
SassysBar.com
What Five Bucks Buys: Jalapeño poppers or ten minutes of rack action.
Tats and Piercings: The locally famous Malice strips here (and Devil’s Point, too), so you’ll always have her blue hair and chains. Another dancer has zebra stripes inked from one knee to her waist.
Special Attraction: Ever-so-slightly robed strippers roam between sets, happy to share a shot.
Tunes: Britpop to indie rock—Pulp to the Walkmen.
Who Goes There: It’s more neighborhood local—replete with endless ESPN—than thumping skin palace. One owner is a former performer herself, so tipping well is strongly encouraged.
Fun Fact: Try the Spanish Coffee. Ingredients include brandy, Kahlúa, rum, Tia Maria, and whipped cream. No, those aren’t also the dancers’ names.

CASA DIABLO
2839 N.W. St. Helen’s Rd., (503) 222-6600,
MySpace.com/CasaDiablo.com
What Five Bucks Buys: Vegan taquitos, a vegan burger, or a vegan dance with benefits.
Tats and Piercings: The girls are mostly vegetarian, wear no leather, and are very likely members of a roller-derby league.
Special Attraction: The $35 couch dance in a private living room environ and—about those benefits—she can touch you but not the other way around.
Tunes: Ladies’ choice: expect a lot of Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs and Heart.
Who Goes There: PETA protestors organizing their next nude sit-in.
Fun Fact: A backstage sign reads, “Please do not wear fur, feathers, silk, wool, or leather on the stage. Thank you, the animals.”

UNION JACKS
938 E. Burnside, (503) 236-1125,
UnionJacksClub.com
What Five Bucks Buys: One-tenth of a Union Jacks Windbreaker and the most aerobic pole dancing south of the Arctic.
Tats and Piercings: We spotted a nocturnal clothes hater with a vampire fetish who will happily show scars of where she’s been bitten.
Special Attraction: There are three private rooms, and the club features a regular roller-derby night in which the girls use their skating skills to strip-skate.
Tunes: Known as a rocker joint, the talent often takes it off to live bands.
Who Goes There: The crowd consists of as many women as men, due to the pole-dancing classes held at the bar.
Fun Fact: Union Jacks is open 365 days a year—yes, you can have strippers stuff your stocking on Christmas day next year, if Santa doesn’t bring you what you want.