a**•hole•ol•o•gy illustrated the advantages of being an asshole. Now you can find out how to make being an asshole work to your advantage when it comes to the opposite sex.
By Chris Illuminati
In the book a**•hole•ol•o•gy: The Science Behind Getting Your Way and Getting Away With It, you learned—in great detail—exactly why a person would want to become an asshole. In a**•hole•ol•o•gy: The Cheat Sheet, you’ll find specific scenarios, along with tactics for implementing those teachings, to emerge a better (and possibly bigger) asshole than you ever imagined. This handy go-to guide on how to be the smoothest asshole possible in the toughest situations also shows you how to steer clear of the dreaded douche-bag territory. Because the last thing you want to be is a douche bag.
Sex Was Great … But She Is Still Here
You had a great time. Drinks were intoxicating, dinner was delicious, more drinks were an excellent idea, and sex on the hood of your car in the Arby’s parking lot was a Penthouse letter in real life. A couple more glazings of her doughnut back at your place and you’re ready to put on Adult Swim and sleep it all off.
“Well, it was a nice time. Yup. Nice time. Guess I’ll call you soon. Oh, you’re still in bed. Um, yeah, I guess you can stick around—yaaawnnn—but I’d really prefer if you didn’t because …” Shit, she isn’t leaving.
The ‘Hole Truth
You don’t want her to stay at your place, but you wouldn’t mind seeing her again. Clothed and unclothed. Tread lightly, because you don’t want to piss her off enough to not have another shot at the big Beef ‘n Cheddar in her pants. (No, I will never look at an Arby’s sandwich the same way after that analogy either.)
Step 1: Never take the fun into the bedroom.
The bedroom means sleep. The bedroom means somewhere warm and comfy to lie down after you’ve bumped uglies. It also means she really doesn’t have to get up again until morning. Keep the boning to the kitchen, the living room, or any available couch or open spot on the floor. Any place that, once the fucking is finito, is really an uncomfortable place to be naked and sweaty. It will force her to get dressed again, and putting on clothes is one step away from walking out the front door.
Step 2: Get up and get busy.
Don’t just lie around making cute talk. Get up and start doing things. Really dull and boring things. If it’s a weeknight, start getting ready for work the next day. Pack a lunch, pick out clothes, and show her you’re getting back to real life. If it’s a weekend, start getting ready for your plans for the next day. “Oh, I totally forgot to pack my bags for that fishing trip I’m going on at 5 A.M. I guess I should start now.”
Step 3: Stop messing around.
If you want her to leave, stop giving her reasons to stay. Don’t mention something good coming on TV or how delightful you are at making late-night grub. Make things so boring that she will want to leave. Most important, don’t keep having sex. Yes, I said stop screwing. Even an asshole knows when enough is enough. If you keep screwing around, she’ll think she’s crashing for the night, because only a douche bag would make a woman leave at four in the morning.
Step 4: If all else fails, take it to another location.
She isn’t getting the hint, so it looks like both of you will have to leave the premises. Ask her if she wants to go grab some food, or even go so far as offering to take her home. Just get out of your place.
Don’t Be a Douche
A douche tells a woman she has to go and hands over her clothes. It’s not that hard for her to split because she already realizes she made a mistake and will be more than happy to leave. I hope she doesn’t accidentally run her key along your car on the way out. Kidding—I hope she does, douche.
You Sexted the Wrong Person
Sexting can be hot in the hands of an expert. You already know you’re an expert, because every asshole should be good at wordplay, but finding a woman who’s good at texting perverted ideas and NSFW pictures brings the naughty to a whole new level.
You were feeling a little chubby under the zipper and decided to sext your favorite target. You said some pretty nasty things and maybe even sent a little picture to get her juices flowing. Unfortunately, you’re terrible with your phone and you sent it to the wrong person.
The ‘Hole Truth
It’s out there and there is no going back. It’s time to do some damage control. The amount of damage depends on the recipient of your sex slang and picture message of your egg-white cannon.
If it’s another girl …
Wait to see if or how she responds. It might not be so bad. If she’s into it, she might sext back. Now you’ve got two possible digital humping partners. If she texts back that you’re a pervert, don’t say anything back. Just delete her phone number and block her from calling or texting.
If it’s an ex …
Let’s hope you’re on friendly terms. If she dated you long enough, she knows you’re a sexual deviant, she isn’t surprised by your actions, and it’s possibly the reason you two split up in the first place. Who knows, it could lead to one last pump in the dumper. Of course, she might be a stuck-up bitch about it. Another reason you split up.
If it’s a coworker …
Damage control! Shut off your phone. Go to the store and buy a brand-new cellphone. Get into the office as early as possible the next day. Write an email and send it to everyone at work explaining your cellphone was stolen and you had to buy a new one. You lost all of your info, so ask everyone to send their cellphone numbers to put into the new phone. The coworker might share the sexting story. You’ve got to act appalled. You’ve got to say you hope the pervert who stole your phone didn’t do that to anyone else. “Oh, God, Mee Maw’s phone number is in that phone! Oh, Mee Maw!” Then run away.
If it’s a dude …
Leave the country. You’ll be missed.
Don’t Be a Douche
Too late. You sexted the wrong person. You became a douche the moment you hit “send.”
Rules to Live by
A quick refresher: The Ten Demandments of Being an Asshole. These are the essential rules every asshole needs to know.
- The asshole cares about the asshole the most.
- The asshole is always right.
- The asshole rarely apologizes.
- The asshole never accepts the word “no.”
- The asshole is always in control.
- The asshole always has a plan.
- The asshole takes what he wants.
- The asshole always looks good.
- The asshole learns from his (few) mistakes.
- The asshole is always evolving.
Bang Her Best Friends
You’ve gone on a few dates with a woman and it’s just not working out. She is a fantastic chick and you’ve sunk her battleship on more than one occasion, but it’s all leading to another game called “The Friendship Tip.” You want to stay in touch with her, but only because she runs with a pack of foxes and you’re looking to hunt down one in particular.
She has many hot friends. You want to nail one, or seven, depending on how much they share among them. You’ve got to pull it off without looking like you’re using her to get to them, and without getting labeled by the group as “off limits.”
The ‘Hole Truth
Any chick in the group is attainable. You’ve just got to make it known there is nothing between you and your ex to get in the way.
Step 1: Hang out with the group, even after you’ve told your ex you’re no longer interested in dating.
You just had “the talk” and let her down easy. She seemed fine with the decision, so you suggest getting together sometime soon to stay on friendly terms. Invite her (and some of her tasty friends) out for a happy hour or social function. If that doesn’t work, accidentally bump into the group at one of their hangouts. Talk to her first and show the group you’re a good guy.
Step 2: Don’t zone in on a target too soon.
The ex-girlfriend might be fine with the way things turned out, but if she sees you hitting on one of her friends too early, she’ll pick you off in the middle of your flight pattern and gun you down to the target in private. Spread out the mingling and flirting among the entire group. Always go back and talk to her in between.
Step 3: Make contact at a later date.
If you’ve got one friend in mind, remember her name and try to find her online. Yes, it’s kind of cyberstalking, but if she thinks you’re hot it’s called “he’s interested.” Remember, it’s only harassment if you’re ugly. If you’re into a bunch of her friends, connect to a couple of them online or just accidentally bump into the group another time. Preferably when the original conquest isn’t around.
Step 4: Talk her up and talk yourself down.
If her friends ask what happened, be sure to make it seem like she is perfection and you’re just not the type of guy she is looking for right now. Women love to hear how wonderful their friends are and when a guy is admittedly an asshole. You’ll score major points for cutting it off early and not stringing her along and playing games like all the other guys. You are a good guy. A nice guy. An available, nice, good guy…. Do you see where this is going, or do I really have to keep making it so obvious?
Don’t Be a Douche
Only a douche would blow her off and then immediately ask about and hit on her friends.
Get Her to Have Sex on Camera
Sex sometimes gets a little vanilla, so an asshole has to spice things up a little bit. Toys get old, and she never lets you bring anyone else into the bedroom. It’s time to take it to the voyeur level. Asshole and his lady make a porno.
She barely gets undressed with the lights on. Convincing her to bare it all and do the dirty in front of a flip cam isn’t going to be easy. You’ve got to make it an enjoyable experience and convince her you’re actually doing this for the both of you. That’s a nice way of saying you’ve got to trick her.
The ‘Hole Truth
Many women are more into voyeurism than they will admit, which could be because they actually don’t know yet that they’re into it. It’s up to you to show them how exciting and sexually exhilarating a camera can be while you’re deep in the throes of sextasy. Lights, camera, get nude!
Step 1: Show her how many celebs do it.
Kim Kardashian. Paris Hilton. Screech from Saved by the Bell. Many famous celebs have bared all in front of the camera and come out on the other end even more popular. That’s not saying she’s going to get her own reality show out of this deal, but it proves that even famous people with much more to lose have done the dirty in front of a flip cam.
Step 2: Show her all the terribly unattractive people who do it.
Take her on an online tour of all the ugly people posing naked for the entire world. It’s kind of disturbing how many ugly people have sex on cam and slap it on the internet. If they can show off their flab and small donkey kongs to millions of strangers, she can at least get naked for a video to be enjoyed as a couple. On a side note: Ugly people, please stop posing nude and putting it online. That is all.
Step 3: Start small—with pictures.
Fine, so she won’t go all Jenna Jameson the first time around. Baby steps, asshole. Get her to pose for a few naughty pictures. It will loosen her up and might even get her excited for the video idea. Show her the pics and tell her how great she looks. Feel free to airbrush if necessary.
Step 4: Assure her it’s for your eyes only.
Part of her trepidation is the fear that, should things go wrong in the relationship, her naked ass will end up all over the internet, on T-shirts, and sold to the Girls Gone Wild franchise. Assure her that no one will ever see these photos or vids, and promise her you won’t even mention it to friends. Seriously, erase all of it. Even your screen saver. Wait, email over that pic first. Okay, now delete it.
Don’t Be a Douche
Don’t just grab a camera one night and start filming. It will turn her off to the idea immediately because she hasn’t even had a chance to think about it. And don’t ever do it without her consent. It’s pretty illegal.
Tell Her You Might Have Given Her an STD
You’ve had your fun in the sack over the years and it shows from the notches on your bedpost and the bumps on your bologna. You finally got it checked out, and while the dinky will live to doink another day, you do have something that will involve ointments or pills to control the spread.
If you are single or not in a sexual relationship at the moment, you could probably just sit on the bench for a little while until you’re 100 percent. Unfortunately, you’re steadily dunking the love muscle into her and she probably should get checked out as well. The doctor isn’t going to break the news to her. It’s up to you.
The ‘Hole Truth
Sitting a woman down to tell her you’ve given her something grody in her grass isn’t an easy conversation. It’s probably best to avoid it at all cost, but the topic might come up should she have a flare-up or find your bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet. You have several options regarding how you handle the situation.
Option 1: It was that other bitch.
If you come right out and say you’ve got the ball bumps, her first thought is, This dude is dirtier than I thought, and the blame is all on your balls … shoulders … whichever. If you place the blame on the women in your past, then the first thought in her head is, Oh, that chick was dirty, too bad she gave it to him, too, and you seem like just an unlucky casualty. This works great if she already hates your ex. Tell her she was in contact and told you about the issue, so you went to have it checked out.
Option 2: Blame her.
Tell her you’ve got something and it must have come from her because you’ve been especially careful for several years. You even wrapped it with girlfriends until they did a test to prove they were cleaner than a newborn’s taint. It must be one of her manwhore ex-boyfriends that gave it to her and now you have it.
Option 3: Ignore it until it goes away.
Let the meds do their job and wait for the infection to clear up. It’s going to be hard to avoid sex, so you’re going to have to start doing some creative fibbing. “I’d love to have sex tonight, but I just got done boinking your sister.” Good deflection. It doesn’t matter anyway; you’ve got to break it off with her because she’s got it and you don’t want it again. Also, avoid the breakup sex. She is diseased, remember?
Don’t Be a Douche
If you meet a new chick before the infection is in deflection, wait it out. Only a douche would knowingly spread that shit.
a**•hole•ol•o•gy The Cheat Sheet
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Reprinted from a**•hole•ol•o•gy: The Cheat Sheet by Chris Illuminati.
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Used by permission of Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
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