Sure, some people enjoyed that Oscars telecast, with its musical numbers and boring speeches and tits that refused to pop out of dresses. For everyone else, we proudly present the Penthouse Double D Awards.
1. BEST SEX SCENE
Amber Heard, Jon Foster, and Austin Nichols in The Informers
Take three spoiled socialites, add drugs, subtract morals—you’ve got the perfect recipe for a ménage à trois. As a bonus, this one includes Heard, the girl you’ve been fantasizing about since Friday Night Lights hit movie theaters.
2. BEST NUDITY…
IN A DRAMA
We fully support nudity for the sake of art—if Powder Blue weren’t a respectable indie drama, there’s no way Jessica Biel would have agreed to bare her tits.
IN A HORROR FILM
Willa Ford, Julianna Guill, and America Olivo in Friday the 13th
But we also support nudity for the sake of nudity, so additional honors go to this topless trio. Of course, in true horror-movie fashion, they paid the ultimate price for their lack of propriety.
IN A BLOCKBUSTER
Rachel Nichols in Star Trek
Okay, the green girl wasn’t really nude, but her lingerie-clad interlude with James T. Kirk, enjoyable eye candy in itself, led to a brief striptease by Zoë Saldana. What’s not to love?
3. BEST GIRL-ON-GIRL KISS
Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, Jennifer’s Body
Everyone’s a winner in this category—especially the audience. But the award goes to the steamy sapphic liplock between self-conscious Needy (Seyfried) and sexy succubus Jennifer (Fox). Hey, Megan, got a little demon in you?
4. BEST CATFIGHT
For our money, it doesn’t get much better than Beyoncé polishing her hardwood floors with an underwearclad Larter. Rent this—now—skip the first hour of husband-stealing setup, and watch the ladies go for the beatdown.
5. BEST PORN/MAINSTREAM SWITCH
BEST SERIOUS ACTRESS PORTRAYING A PORN STAR
Tie: Carla Gugino and Adrianne Palicki in Women in Trouble
BEST PORN STAR PORTRAYING A SERIOUS ACTRESS
Sasha Grey in The Girlfriend Experience
Gugino and Palicki played porn stars Elektra Luxx and Holly Rocket in Sebastian Gutierrez’s indie comedy, while actual porn star and Penthouse Pet Grey went mainstream in Steven Soderbergh’s indie drama. Change is good for all of us.
6. BEST DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS
After a bachelor party, three best friends wake up in Vegas with memory loss and a missing groom-to-be. They use clues to piece together the previous night’s events—kind of like Memento, but with a roofied tiger and a naked Asian gangster. And, you know, laughs.
7. WORST DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS
With the help of booze (which kinda goes without saying), two straight college buddies get roped into filming a gay porn flick and submitting it to an amateur film festival. They also agree to be the stars. Hilarity ensues; erections, not so much.
8. THE BAD BLOWJOB LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Sacha Baron Cohen, Brüno
During a moment of intense soul searching, Austrian fashion reporter Brüno calls upon the ghost of Milli Vanilli’s Rob Pilatus for guidance—then fellates his invisible mentor, complete with analingus and a reach-around.
9. WORST CAMEO BY A LIFETHREATENING ILLNESS
When we first heard there was going to be a Judd Apatow comedy starring Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler, we were anticipating 90 enjoyable minutes of dick jokes. Instead, we got Sandler as a bitter, lonely comedian with leukemia. Not funny.
10. WORST LOCATION SCOUTING/WARDROBE
This painfully bad comic-book adaptation added insult to injury with its Antarctic location. Whose bright idea was it to hide Kate Beckinsale’s perfect body under a puffy parka?
11. BIGGEST THREAT TO OUR MANHOOD
Like a few million other unsuspecting moviegoers, we figured the low budget flick would be campy fun. Instead, we screamed like schoolgirls, used our girlfriends as human shields, and insisted on sleeping with a nightlight for a month. As it turns out, none of those things get you laid.
12. BIGGEST “FUCK YOU” TO THE CARDINAL RULE OF ARMAGEDDON FLICKS
Nicolas Cage in Knowing
The rule is, an action hero saves the world, even if he dies in the process. He does not send his son to safety, then hole up with his parents while the planet gets incinerated.