As of press time, there was a serious chance the Hollywood writers’ strike would jeopardize this year’s Academy Awards. No need to worry, though —there’s always the Penthouse Double D’s!
Best Sex Scene: 300
Gerard Butler and Lena Headey get it sweatily on in a rough tumble that’s equal parts tassled-boot-knocking and battle-readiness drill.
Best Pubic Hair Bleaching: Black Book
If there’s a higher power, Holland’s Carice van Houten will make her way Stateside. Who directed the film with its strangely hot scene of van Houten dying her nether region to evade the Nazis? None other than Showgirls’ perv sexpert Paul Verhoeven.
Best Use of Computer Animation: Angelina Jolie in Beowulf
Yes, we are honoring Jolie again—you have a problem with that? Grendel’s mom, emerging from the water in the buff, had us thumbing through the classic again. Funny, we don’t remember that part.
Best Reason to Promote the Wardrobe Department: Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
Scene after scene, the (extremely fit) Oscar winner seemed determined to show us that serious acting was not about fancy period clothing—or any clothing, really.
Hottest One-Legged Stripper: Rose McGowan in Grindhouse
It wasn’t simply one leg and a stump, but a machine-gun prosthetic! The NRA missed out by not making McGowan its poster girl. And we’re still trying to figure out how she cocked the damn thing.
Best Nymphomaniac Slut: Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan
Playing a Tennessee skank desperate for sex and, ultimately, salvation, Ricci
was close to unrecognizable. We salute her work.
Sexiest Chick Who Knew a Little Something About (Robot) Cars: Megan Fox in Transformers
Megan is way too hot for PG-13 entertainment. Not that we’re complaining. (When’s that sequel due again?)
Best Naked Manfight: Eastern Promises
Throwing the ladies a bone here, so to speak. Might this be a new trend started in Borat? Viggo Mortensen’s Nikolai, a Russian gangster, laid everything on the line in a violent steam-room tussle.
Most Hilarious Cartoon-Penis Montage: Superbad
You McLoved McLovin and the raunch factor, but how weird was this scene? Weird enough to make our list!
Best Literal “Shooting of One’s Load”: Shoot ‘Em Up
Gunplay and sex—is there a better movie combo? Add Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci and, well, you could say they banged, but then we’d have to give you a verbal titty twister for such a bad pun.
Most Telling Glimpse Into the Future: Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me
Lindsay’s twirl around the stripper pole was obscured by her own public notoriety. Then there was the small matter of the film itself.
Best Film Titles That Could Pass for Porn:
Mr. Woodcock, Grindhouse, Hot Fuzz, Balls of Fury, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, No Country for Old Men
As seen in Penthouse Magazine March 2008
By Joshua Rothkopf
