Bone Machine

We cozy up to the newest sex game aiming to help us get our pixelated rocks off.
-By Chris Cechin

Soon after visiting BoneTown for the first time, discering nerd-virgins, horny collegiates, and other esteemed smut connoisseurs will have only one question: So when, exactly, do I get to the fucking? That’s because, unlike you your first time, it doesn’t come quickly in this slightly politically incorrect game. Only after a character ups the heft of his “balls” by winning street fights, indulging in drugs and booze, and completing missions on the way to reaching Ron Jeremy’s shag palace is he sufficiently fortified to pick up women—most of whom are skinny enough to be mistaken for drug addicts/fashion models—and have sex with them. Think VH1’s The Pick Up Artist meets Repo Man, but don’t fret: As you improve physically, so do the women you’ll virtually lay.

On your way to the love den, feel free to indulge in plenty of sexual fantasies, from the pedestrian—say, ass slapping—to the coveted regions of a hot-twin-based threesome. Just keep in mind that since the virtual sex is all about bringing girls to orgasm by tinkering with assorted controls, one’s hands are not free to multitask.

The boning itself is more amusing than erotic, and it’s stimulating not so much for its visual artistry as for the aural ravings of underpaid voice-over actresses. But that’s not for lack of trying. With 360-degree, top-to-bottom navigation, BoneTown is a study in digitized orifices and appendages. For a blow job, select the ruby red lips icon; to knock on her backdoor, click on the charming halved grapefruit; for missionary sex, highlight the alluring laven der oyster. If only real life were this simple.