Why five is the magic number when you’re putting together a strip-club crew.
-By Alexander Colby • Illustration by Dave Johnson
When visiting a strip joint, it’s important to bear a few numbers in mind: how much money you plan to burn through, how many hours you’re allowed to stay, the digits of a reputable cab service, and the appropriate number of guys to have in your crew. That number, boys, is five. Why? Five is a well-balanced party. You’re normal guys out for a good time. It’s a large enough posse to let loose with, but not so many that someone could get left behind in the private room when everyone else is ready to leave.
Strippers don’t like large groups, because men tend to get unsavory in packs. And while someone always makes it rain like Fat Joe, the better part of your gang will be tightfisted shrubs. Four friends flanking the mack and his largesse is the max in terms of splash radius.
In a group of six or seven dudes, there’s likely to be alpha males fighting for dominance. It’s a recipe for somebody acting like Captain Asshole, which means too much attention from bouncers just waiting to justify their existence. You don’t want to get your hash tossed in front of naked women.
Eight or more is a bachelor party, and at least a few guys won’t know the others well enough to relax. You can bank on one dude spoiling it for the rest of you. (Head’s up: It’s probably going to be the married guy.)
Less than five, however, is as bad as more. You can work with four guys, especially if you’re suited up and entertaining business associates, but it kind of looks like a double date. Three or fewer comes off as pathetic, like you don’t have enough bros. And never forget, two guys at the club means two unchecked boners in a car on the way home. Add alcohol and stir, and shit can happen. We’re just sayin’.
You need a full crew, no more, no less. Field from your second string of buddies if you must, or take some guy’s younger brother and have fun buying him lap dances and watching him squirm. Better yet, find an open minded girl to come with you. The dancers will see you as fun guys who behave themselves, and they love to show off for other ladies.
