Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you how to go from pre-work drive-time buddy to post-work fuck buddy.
Illustration by Celia Calle
Q:
I just started a new job. While chatting up a hot coworker in the break room, I found out that we live in the same neighborhood. She suggested we start driving to work together to take advantage of the HOV lane. When I asked her why she didn’t ride into work with her boyfriend, she said she was single, and added a flirty grin. Ever since, I’ve been fantasizing about getting road head from her on the way to work. But so far we’ve had only one ride together, and it didn’t go well. She made fun of my CDs so much that I switched to public radio (apparently she’s not a fan of jam bands). Then she told me my hybrid was something her parents would drive. Now I can’t tell if she was just playfully teasing me or if I’ve made a wrong turn I can’t come back from. How do I get on the right track?
A:
How do you get on the right track? First off, don’t play any tracks by Dave Matthews Band. The only way you’re going to get away with blasting DMB is if you’re driving a BMW. You’re driving a parental-style hybrid that screams “middle of the road,” and I don’t mean fucking in the middle of the road. I mean, you probably seem more boring than watching highway paint dry. You might as well just play hangman every morning, because she ain’t wondering whether you’re hung, man. Next time you talk, explain that the CDs she saw were left over from some other chick—then put the radio on whatever station in your area has the call letters HOT. Come on, NPR? Really, dude? That’s for the girl who’s impressed by the hybrid. Speaking of your sound system, why not install a subwoofer under her seat? You’d be amazed how quickly a passenger seat can become one big vibrator.
The important thing is getting her over to your place. Once you’ve gotten to know what she really likes, get an impressive manifestation of it for your house. Example: She tells you she’s a huge Bon Jovi fan. You buy a Jon Bon Jovi figure on eBay. Bring up Bon Jovi again and say, “Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you that I have a life-size likeness of him.” She’ll be all, “No way! I have to get my picture taken with it.” Boom. She’s at your place. That’s when you say, “Oh, remember how you said you were a huge Van Halen fan? This is Sammy Hagar’s tequila I was telling you about.” After a few shots, you’ll be “too drunk” to drive her home, and she’ll have to crash at your place. Just don’t play “Crash” by Dave Matthews while she’s there.
