Home Alone?

Shouldn’t a live-in girlfriend mean sex whenever you want? If only it were that easy. Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you how to stoke the home fires.
Illustration by Celia Calle

Q:
Dear Scoundrel,
My girlfriend and I moved in together a few months ago. I thought I’d get laid more often once we didn’t have to worry anymore about roommates interrupting us when we were screwing, but our sex life is virtually nonexistent. We used to watch a porno at least once every couple of weeks, and fooled around every chance we got. She would even blow me or push me into the bathroom for a quickie while my roommate was home. I was out with a couple of buddies last weekend and one of them said I should try chick-flick-inspired romantic gestures because that’s what his girlfriend always wants him to do. The other one (my old roommate) said I should just accept that she’s a freak who gets off on having sex with other people around. So what should I do? Bring home roses and chocolate, then take her out for a candlelit dinner and fuck her in the ladies’ room?

A:
Sure, try flowers and chocolate—it’s possible she thinks you’ve gotten complacent, and you need to show her you’re not taking her for granted. And if she’s up for sex in a restaurant bathroom, sure, go for that, too. But it’s also possible she’s taking you for granted. Before, she might have been jealous of the time you spent with your boys, and she knew the only thing that could distract you from your Xbox was her G-string. Strong-arming you into the bathroom was her way of saying, “Do you want QT with him or a BJ from me?” And she was also sending your roommate a message—effectively pissing on you to mark her territory. Now that she’s taken him out of the game, there’s no reason for her to take you out of your pants. Try rekindling her competitive spirit by inviting some friends over to watch the big game—then when the crew moves on to a bar nearby and you tell her you’re thinking about joining them, see if she gives you a tug of the ol’ belt buckle. Or try cultivating a hobby so she’ll get envious of the time you’re spending on something else. Turn your backyard into a triage center and see how fast she comes out and says, “Are you going to deliver babies all night or are you going to come in and pound this pussy?” Remember the old saying: Absence makes the panties grow wetter.

Which brings me to another possibility: She’s simply seeing too much of you. Maybe you’ve spent so much time on the couch that she thinks of you as a pillow. And it’s prob ably been a while since she’s wanted to hump a pillow. If that’s the case, you need to spend some time out of the house. Maybe get a second job. Then if she still doesn’t want to do you when you get home, you can at least save up for a state-of-the-art sex robot.