Horny on the Home Front

Does a best bud serving in Iraq + a hot and sexually frustrated girlfriend left at home = a booty call for you? Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you whether you should keep your weapon holstered.
Illustration by Celia Calle

Q:
Dear Scoundrel,
My best bro asked me to take his girlfriend out on Valentine’s Day because he’s stationed in Iraq. I’m a concierge and have a bunch of restaurant hookups, so he knows I can show her a good time. But I also think he wants me to keep an eye on her. Last year when he was out of town on Valentine’s, she went out with her ex, and he’s pretty sure she ended up cheating. Truth is, she loves the guy, but she’s not good at the long-distance thing. Whenever she’s two drinks in, she flirts with me and tells me how lonely and horny she is. I suspect he’s right and that Valentine’s will push her over the edge, which—I gotta be honest—kind of turns me on. I haven’t gotten laid in a while and this girl is ridiculously hot. I jerk off every day thinking about the time she told me that she masturbates three times a day. Anyway, I don’t think I could live with myself if we hooked up, but I’m convinced that eventually she’ll either cheat or break up with him. Why shouldn’t I be the guy who gets some?

A:
Your boy might be at war, but you’re the one playing with a loaded weapon. Seriously, dude—he’s out there in the trenches and you want to get into his girl’s foxhole? I know you think you deserve a Purple Cock Award for your dryspell tour of booty, but just as Donald Rumsfeld so famously said about Iraq, as soon as you pull out, there’s going to be mayhem. Sure, she may be alone and looking to bone, but the girl still has feelings for her man. When he gets back, she’ll likely confess that she gave you a hummer while he was riding around in his.

Treat her like a land mine. Remember, your buddy asked you to disarm that exploding pussy, and though it might seem like mission impossible, it’s time for you to be the hero [cue patriotic music]. Take her to a fun restaurant, maybe a brightly lit barbe cue joint—that way, the only bone she’ll be licking is the one on her plate. Keep the conversation focused squarely on her and her man. Ask her how she really feels about your boy, so that you can dutifully bring back any field intelligence. Above all, avoid looking at her tits. Once your soldier is standing at attention, he’ll lead you into a world of shit.

The most important thing is, after dinner with your buddy’s girl, go out and find some chick who’s had a bad V-Day date and is prime for the pumping. Just remember to be a gentleman, since it’s Valentine’s Day, after all. Get her some flowers and a box of Magnums.