Rev Her Engine
Does your girl need a little extra stimulation? Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you how to get her motor running.
Illustration by Celia Calle

Q:
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months now, and I thought things were good between us. But for the past few weeks, ever since the weather got nice, all she can talk about is motorcycles. In the past, she dated a couple of guys who rode, and according to her, she was always revved up sexually after riding on the backs of their bikes, and had really explosive orgasms. She claims there’s no substitute for getting fucked after a motorcycle ride. She wants me to get one, but that’s just not my thing. I realize I sound like the biggest pussy in the world, but the idea of cruising around so unprotected freaks me out. Can I keep her happy in the sack without straddling a gigantic vibrator and tooling around town on it?

A:
You could splurge for a Sybian instead, but what good would that do you? Don’t you want to participate in those explosive orgasms? I mean, Jay Leno rides motorcycles. If he can do it, you have no excuse. Man up and take a motorcycle-riding course (they’ll train you on a bed of cupcakes and rainbows). Then when you’re comfortable riding, you can at least rent a Milwaukee vibrator for the occasional joyride.

If you don’t want to go whole hog, puss out and buy a moped—they’re to motorcycles what sliders are to hamburgers, but if she’s sitting on the top tank, it might give off a similar “vibe.” And who knows, a vintage Puch could make you look like a 1970s Italian porn star. Whatever you do, don’t get a Vespa. They’re basically rolling toilet bowls, and that is not a good look.

If you’re really dead-set against two-wheelers, try installing a subwoofer under the passenger seat of your car and blasting some booty bass. But don’t blame me when her rising libido is harshed by the sight of a Kawasaki passing your ass.

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