Scrambled Gaydar

It’s all well and good when girls see you as an adorable little Mogwai, but our twenty-first-century rogue explains why at a certain point you need to show them the Gremlin.
Illustration by Celia Calle

Q:
Over the years, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not your traditional, shall we say, outwardly straight male, and I think I’ve learned how to use this to my advantage. While my more brutish friends scare off girls with their beer-pounding and talk of stripper orgies, I choose to limit myself to a glass of wine or two and quiet conversation. A certain type of girl is always charmed by my ability to listen to her and respond in a thoughtful manner, without belching or picking my crotch, but more than once, I’ve gone in for a kiss and gotten the dreaded recoil. One time I invited a girl I’d brought home to come to bed with me. Despite the fact that it was 3 A.M., she opted for my couch. And the last time I made a move when I thought it was a sure thing, the girl said, “I thought you were gay,” and told me she had a boyfriend. I stormed out in anger, but maybe I’m partly to blame?

A:
First off, I want you to go on Craigslist and find the one guy you’d do if you were in the slammer. Invite him on a rendez-dudes. If after a few drinks he invites you back to his place and a voice in your head says anything similar to hmm maybe, then we might just have a problem. (And if the drinks were apple martinis, we definitely have a problem.)

On the other hand, if you want to strangle the Scoundrel for giving you that advice, good! Now ask yourself why you’re such a “scrambler”—a guy who totally messes up a girl’s gaydar.

You’re probably giving girls too much validation off the bat. Remember: Without a little push and pull, there won’t be any in and out. If you act like a yes man, you’ll never become her “oh yes oh yes oh yes” man. She’ll end up using you as a shoulder to cry on, not a dick to impale herself on. I could continue, but you should get the idea by now. Scale back on comments like “I hear you, sister” and “That’s an adorable dress.” Instead, limit compliments to things like “You have an awesome tolerance for tequila.” When she asks, “Can you believe he said that to me?” respond with, “Well, dude kind of had a point….”

You need to make it clear what team you’re on—you don’t have to say, “The other night at the whorehouse …,” but you should tell her you think Angelina Jolie is hot (not “lovely” or “divine” or “kind to orphans”). And when she tells you she thinks that about Brad Pitt, call him a douche. Finally, you might want to pick up a manly hobby that will eradicate any doubt—or at least get an Xbox, so she knows what’s up as soon as she walks in. Maybe join a fight club. That way, whenever you slip up and start talking about American Idol, she’ll think to herself, “But he wrestles alligators. He can’t be …”