Is a hot-as-hell chubby chaser worth a major binge? Our twenty-first-century rogue explains why indulging her desire for girth will end up taking you out of the game.
-Illustration by Celia Calle
My friend recently set me up with this chick who routinely dates guys who are beneath her, appearance wise. For instance, she just broke up with a guy who looks like Mike Ditka, porn ’stache and all. On our second date (yes, things went well enough for one), we got to talking about types and she told me she likes “husky” guys—in fact, she said she hooks up only with dudes who are at least 40 pounds overweight. I have an extra 20 on me, but it was clear from the way she was talking that we wouldn’t bone till I put on more meat. The weird thing is, I’m seriously considering it—if you could see this girl, you’d understand why. She really is that hot.
You might think she’ll take your load after you carbo-load, or that you’ll get to pound her after you become a 250-pounder. But I have two words for you, dude: Fat chance! Look, it might be tempting to “go Morrison” and break on through to the other side of 250—but remember, Jim Morrison was huge in the literal and figurative sense. He was the Lizard King. You, sir, are just some guy with a king-size Snickers bar in your hand. You’ll be like Fat Albert, all “Hey, hey, hey, where did all my chances at pussy go?” Trust me, if you put all your bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches in one basket, the only time you’ll get sucked is at the liposuction clinic.
Here’s the better course of action: Cultivate an aura of burliness without actually puffing up. Grow a beard; unlike extra pounds, those come back off easily. Wear multiple layers. Eat bloating foods—in this case, there may just be a connection between chimichangas and cunnilingus. Chug club soda till you look like a bloated Santa Claus. And do something badass—ride a hog instead of eating like one. Chances are she likes burly dudes because they offer a sense of protection, so maybe carry a .44 instead of being a 44. Then you’ll still be in the game as far as other women are concerned, and you can meet your next girl at the club instead of in line for a KFC Double Down.