If you’ve ever felt the sting of being cheated on, a hot married chick who’s looking to stray might present a moral dilemma. Our twenty-first-century rogue will set you straight.
Illustration by Celia Calle
Q:
I’ve been office buddies with this girl for a year or so, but lately we’ve been hanging out after work. She’s married and has what looks like a $10,000 rock to prove it, but she doesn’t mention her husband much. I only met him once, when he picked her up at the bar in his Benz and we talked for a few minutes. The funny thing is, he was a buff dude who seemed totally gay. The next day she asked me what I thought of her husband, and I said I’d never met him. She was all, “You met him yesterday, silly!” and I blurted out, “You mean that gay dude?” She acted like no one had ever thought that before. But that night, after a few shots, we ended up kissing. When she reached for my dick, I remembered that poor schmuck’s clueless smile, and how nice he’d been, and my dick went limp. I’ve been cheated on, and I just couldn’t bring myself to cuckold another man. But now she’s sending me sexy photos, and her body is even better than I ever imagined. I’m wondering if I should just go for it.
A:
He’s got a Benz and $10,000 for a ring, huh? With that kind of liquidity, I’d marry the guy. Can he afford a sex change, too? My point is, your girl is obviously not with this guy for his bedroom moves. Not if she’s fishing for flesh in your boxers. You have a couple of options here. One is to send in a gay man to do some recon. As soon as your boy collects hard evidence that the husband is in the mood for dude, you can puncture the girl and come without compunction. But why go to all that trouble? In the time it takes your G man to pull it off, the girl will have moved on to someone who is willing to screw her. Trust me, this girl is hot to trot, and you need to stop being a naysayer and start being a player. If you’re really such a softy that you just can’t get it up for cheating, maybe a threesome is the way to go. But the Scoundrel’s official advice is, stop being a pussy and get some. It’s time to master a move I like to call “cock her and walk her.” That’s when you fuck the shit out of someone’s wife, then walk her home to her other half. Bonus points if you bang her again on the porch swing.
