Three-Way Leeway?

She wants another guy. You, of course, don’t. These words of wisdom from our twenty-first-century rogue can help you make the most of her request.
Illustration by Celia Calle

Q:
Dear Scoundrel,
I’ve been dating someone for several months, and a couple of weeks ago we had the dreaded “are we exclusive” conversation. When I told her I wasn’t sure I was ready for never fooling around with other girls, her response was—and, yes, I remember every word—“There is a loophole. Some people have threesomes so they can have their cake and eat it, too.” Being a pretty normal guy, I reacted enthusiastically, till she said she wanted our first three-way to be with a guy at her gym. Now she thinks I’m crazy when I say she pulled a bait-and-switch, and when she grudgingly agreed to include a woman first, she said she won’t do anything girl-girl since I won’t do anything with another guy. Is there any hope for this relationship? At this point I’m thinking I should just get in the two-girl action before I dump her.

A:
You found a girl who’s into threesomes, and this is a problem why? It’s like you just hit the jackpot and you’re bitching because you have to pay taxes. Rule of thumb: Never look a gift ho in the mouth. Instead of throwing the babes out with the bathwater, agree to the chick-chick-dick action first. Then when it’s over, start sobbing like an SOB. Tell her you didn’t realize how hard it would be to share her, even with your smoking-hot coworker, and make it clear that you “need some time” before you make good on your end of the deal. (Girls love it when you speak their language, sometimes known as vagibberish). She’ll be so touched that, in time, she may even let you hook up with her best friend (make sure to ask for that on your birthday). Ideally, you’ll realize you have a keeper on your hands, and though letting your girl’s personal trainer bench and drench you will still be off-limits, you’ll find some middle ground. If she still insists on letting the guy use her quim as his gym, chances are it’s something—or someone—she’s just plain bent on doing, and you’re going to have to let her go. Your fault for getting her that gym membership.