Sharing your digs with a vegetarian girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to eat shit like veggies all the time. Convince her to “meat” you halfway. Here are some words of wisdom from our twenty-first-century rogue.
-Illustration by Celia Calle
Q:
My live-in girlfriend gained about 30 pounds while her father was dying of cancer, and in order to lose it, she went vegetarian. Now she’s telling me I can’t have meat in the house. I’m happy she dropped the weight, of course, and she’s even hotter than before since those last couple of pounds she obsesses about add nicely to her curves, but there’s no fucking way I’m giving up meat. Everyone is telling me that I can’t break up with her over this, though, and that I should be understanding of her needs because she’s still grieving. I don’t want to break up with her at all, but she’s the one delivering ultimatums. What am I supposed to do? We live in a pretty small town, and I’m afraid I’ll have to move to get a freaking date if I leave her.
A:
As the saying goes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. And while it’s true that a lunch without deli meat ain’t worth a damn, the fact remains: If you’re reaping the rewards of your girl’s newfound hotness, you gotta pay your dues. Look, would you pound tequila shots in front of a recovering alcoholic? (Well, maybe if it was a first date and she was a serious butterface, but you know what I mean.) First off, try to convince her that a strictly vegetarian diet is unhealthy, and cite studies that prove it (don’t mention that the study’s lead scientists were … um, lemme see … “Dr.” Ronald McDonald and, uh, “Professor” Burger King). If she still dogs you about eating franks, try to meet her halfway—maybe she’ll agree to keeping meat in the house that doesn’t tempt her, like Spam or pig’s knuckle (if so, hide some beef jerky under that Spam). Or maybe you can stow the goods in a fridge in the basement, Jeffrey Dahmer–style. If she sees that you’re at least willing to compromise, she’ll be far less likely to keep busting your proverbial chops. And of course you can still have those secret drivethru runs and stadium franks. Who knows, you may end up coming out ahead: If you give up beef, she might let you pork her more often.
