Q:
My wife was very sexually inexperienced when we got married ten years ago. She was never really into sex, and after a few years we were rarely having sex at all. I felt that I was losing my passion for her and even had a short-lived affair with my coworker, a very uninhibited woman with whom I frequently watched adult videos and read Penthouse. After I ended the affair, I felt that I also had to end this lull in my marriage one way or another, so I told my wife to go out and pick up a guy, bring him back to our house, and seduce him in our bedroom while I watched from our closet. Well, after some convincing, she did exactly as I had instructed—she brought a complete stranger into our bedroom and fucked him right before my eyes. Watching her with him is what rekindled my passion for my wife. I was reminded that I really love her and want her. The problem is, she really likes this guy and wants to continue to see him on a regular basis, and I feel jealous and want us to be monogamous again. Can you explain to me why this happened and how I can get my wife to be faithful to me again?

A:
Nothing revives our passion for a spouse like a little jealousy! We never realize how much we want to keep something until someone else threatens to take it away from us. But do not confuse the feeling you are currently experiencing for your wife with “love.” When we love someone, we want them to be happy, and your wife seems to be happier with some variety in her partners. Watching another man ravish your wife has stoked your lust for her, and what you are feeling is possessiveness and a fear that you will lose her. However, while you have now developed feelings of desire for her after all those passionless years—maybe because another man has sparked her previously missing libido—there may not be a way to turn back the clock. After all, you had an affair first, and you insisted that your wife do the same. By doing so, you have redefined the terms of your relationship; there may be no way to bring back the pure exclusivity that you once rejected.

The only thing you can do is to stop trying to control your wife and allow her to explore the new found feelings she has for this man. Meanwhile, give her the affection, attention, and affirmation she was lacking while you were engaged in your liaison with another woman. Her infatuation for her lover will either wear off as the novelty of it subsides, or it will turn into something more. If the latter happens, you will have to decide whether to end your marriage or to join her in a lifestyle that involves a variety of partners. Many couples are into swinging or swapping, so that may be your only way to hold on to her if she finds the thrill of sex with strangers to be too much of an aphrodisiac to put aside. Either way, things will never be the way they once were between you—which is why I always counsel people to stop and think things through before injecting a third person into their relationship.

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