Condoms are vital to your well-being, sexual and otherwise. But when exactly should the rubber hit the road?
-By Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D.
Bringing up the subject of condoms, or bringing out the condom, is all about timing. You certainly won’t want to bring up your intention to rubberize yourself at the beginning of your date, when you are less than certain that you will be getting any later that night. But you want to be prepared before things get too hot and heavy. Indeed, the best time to introduce the subject is right after you both have gotten warmed up—right after that long French kiss or a hot make-out session. If you wait until you get into the heavy petting or oral-genital foreplay stage, you might be so turned on that you will feel awkward interrupting the moment and will be very prone to throw caution to the wind in a moment of passion. Thus, the rule of thumb is to bring out the condom, or ask for a moment to put it on, when you transition from the vertical to the horizontal—for example, when you move from living room to the bedroom or from the sofa to the bed. You should definitely put on a condom before any genital-to-genital contact is made, because bareback dry humping and poking increases your chances of getting an STD or getting her pregnant, as traces of sneaky semen are usually present in your pre-ejaculate.
WHEN GOOD INTENTIONS FAIL
When the timing is right and you know what you have to do, why do people fail to use condoms anyway? A recent study has shown that most folks forgo condoms for two reasons: “the internal condom dialogue” and “the interpersonal condom dialogue.” The former is basically a battle between your conscientious superego and your fun-loving id; it goes something like this: This girl is totally safe.… I’ll go soft if I try to put it on.… It feels so much better without the rubber.… I can skip it just this one time.… She has to be on birth control, all chicks are these days.… I don’t see any blisters on her crotch…. I want her so badly, just this one time won’t matter.
If your superego prevails and you do bring up the idea of protection, the interpersonal condom dialogue often goes like this: “Oh, we don’t have to use it.… I’m on the Pill.… Honey, I get tested all the time.… I am totally safe.” Of course, unless you know the woman well, these statements may be just as reliable as “The check is in the mail” or “I’ll pull out before I come.” Remember that even if condoms don’t fit in your utopian fantasy of spontaneous, full-flesh contact, open ulcers, expensive HIV medications, and child-support payments are not part of that fantasy either. Give yourself some tough love! This is one time when you really can’t afford to let that old id—which, you know, harbors your basic genetic reproductive drive—win the battle with your enlightened superego.
BRINGING IT UP
There are many different ways of mentioning the C word, or bringing the latex into your loving. If you are a serious fellow, then you can simply use the direct approach, something like, “Let me put on protection before we go on.” If you favor a more playful approach, you can say something like, “Let’s get that rubber ready,” or bring out the condom with a “Should I do it or do you want the honor?” Letting her wrap your willy is a good way to combine condom use with foreplay, as she can use her hands or tongue to keep you hard until your cock is clothed. If you feel awkward talking about condoms, you can simply pull one out of your drawer and put it on—without any commentary whatsoever.
THE RIGHT FIT
There are two main reasons why many men hate using condoms: They provide less sensitivity and their dryness may make intercourse more uncomfortable. However, the key to condom satisfaction is finding the right fit. Experiment with different lengths, widths, and shapes to make sure you find one that floats your boat. A condom that is too tight is more likely to break and may choke the nerve endings in your penis, reducing sensitivity. If it’s too short, it may leave too much skin exposed to possible infection. If you want more sensation against the head from the loose material, choose a condom that is wider at the tip and tapered at the shaft, usually referred to as “oversized tip.” If you tend to lose your erection when you put on a condom, try the ones with a tighter fit around the base, as they may help keep you upright.
To make her condom-comfortable and to eliminate dryness, make sure you use plenty of lubrication-and in most cases, your saliva just won’t be enough. Most lubricated condoms contain the sperm-killing substance nonoxynol-9, which causes vaginal irritation in some women and has a nasty, bitter taste that can temporarily numb her tongue. Choose nonlubricated condoms, then pick the right lube for both of you. Lubricate not only the exterior of the condom but the inside, too—just a drop on the interior will do. You can experiment with various flavors, but try to stick to water-based lubes, as silicone-based ones may break down latex condoms. Once you’ve dated her for a while, you can get a little kinky by trying textured and ribbed condoms, or ones with bumps, studs, and mini vibes to enhance her pleasure.
WHEN TO STOP
Condoms are often seen as representing a lack of trust in the relationship, rather than as a simple means of protection. But you can’t be expected to have complete trust at the outset of a relationship. Tell yourself—and her if she resists using condoms—that there will be a time for bareback riding when your relationship progresses to an exclusive one. Most couples eventually get to a point where they develop a sense of negotiated safety based upon a tacit agreement not to have sex with other partners.
Although trust and exclusivity are paramount in this decision, you’re still better off being safe than sorry. I recommend that you suggest mutual STD and HIV testing before deciding to forgo condom use. And be certain that your partner is using reliable birth control—unless you are up for un–planned parenthood. Remember that even the most effective birth control can fail, and unless you want to use the withdrawal method as your backup, condoms will offer you that extra protection against surprises. Continuing to use condoms also will offer you additional protection against possible infidelity in your partner-after all, statistics show that women now cheat almost as much as men.
In short, sheathing your shaft should be the rule, not the exception. It’s time to get over the embarrassment, shyness, casual abandon, irresponsible passion, or other petty excuses that men—and women—use to avoid basic protection during sex. Even if she thinks you are uncool for using condoms, remember, it is easier to deal with wounded pride than with AIDS or HIV, another STD, or unwanted offspring.
