The Fisthorn aka the Hand of Plenty

Ladies and gentleman, brace yourselves.

I bring you:
THE FISTHORN.

Part fist.

Part horn.

ALL WRONG.

This particular monstrosity came to me last year, a few weeks before the Folsom Street Fair. This is a huge annual gay/kink/leather festival in San Francisco, and last year was our first time sponsoring a booth at the fair. We also sponsored an after party, and a few weeks before the event, our New York office began shipping us out supplies for the party. Every day was a new and interesting surprise, like Christmas for pervs: a box of rubber couture, dildos and big as your forearm, bulk cock rings – a new surprise in every box!

But we were not prepared for the fisthorn. Nothing you prepare you for the fisthorn, my friend.

And thus one morning my admin came into my cubicle lugging a particularly heavy box behind her. Eager to see what weighed so much, we tore apart the plastic as my other curious coworkers peered in to see what treasure I’d received today.

And then I pulled out the fisthorn.

To say pure chaos ensued is a bit of an understatement; one coworker screamed so loud half the building heard it; another ran away in pure terror; and I literally fell to the ground laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants.

And the best part?

THERE WERE A DOZEN OF THEM IN THE BOX.

I had to keep one as a memento. HAD TO.

The rest went off to the party, and I know not of what became of them. But I keep my fisthorn locked in a cabinet underneath my desk, and only bring it out once, maybe twice a year. I actually fear the fisthorn, and do not wish to anger it.

Plus, it smells really bad.

(By the way, the official name of the toy is the “Hand of Plenty” but I decided to call it the fisthorn because, well, it looks like half fist, half horn. I believe the “horn” portion is actually supposed to be a tongue…but the only people who have tongues like that, as far as I know, are Satan, cows, and Gene Simmons.)

AFFeditor is a smut peddler based out of the offices of AdultFriendFinder who encounters many frightening sextoys both online and mailed in from different companies.