Here’s your guide to banging in the great outdoors. Pack up your mosquito repellant, stuff a six-pack in your cooler, and grab your girl for a whirl in the wilderness!
As the days grow longer and the weather gets warmer, it’s time to start thinking about our favorite alfresco activity. In fact, outdoor sex is healthy as well as fun. The fresh air you inhale as you make love gets more nitric oxide into your lungs, dilating blood vessels all over your body, including your genitals-resulting in more potent erections!
However, before you get bareassed in the summer breeze, here are some open-air do’s and don’ts for wannabe nature boys and girls.
Sex in the sun can be unforgettable in both good and bad ways—so bone up, so to speak, on the following caveats and you’ll be sure to have a perfect summer of love.
BACK-TO-NATURE NOOKIE
DO:
Get out the camping gear. There’s nothing like some cozy cuddling in one of those oversize sleeping bags. The stars, the crackling campfire, the cries of prowling predators, and the dark mysteries of the wilderness will bring out that primordial passion in both of you!
DON’T:
Have her play with your pee-pee outside your teepee if it’s pitched in a public campground. Getting caught in flagrante delicto by kids could land you in some serious trouble. In fact, make sure
you’re secluded from both minors and seniors. The last thing you want is coitus interruptus caused by the need to resuscitate an elderly man in cardiac arrest.
AUTO EROTICA
DO:
Use your car for sexy enjoyment of backcountry roads, woods, and parks. You can do her inside the car in the woman-on-top position (do not even attempt missionary unless you have seats that recline all the way), seated on top of the hood with her legs wrapped around your waist, or doggie-style with her bent over the trunk of the car. You can even leave the engine running—the humming vibrations will add to her excitement. (Think of it as one big vibrator!)
DON’T:
Try this trick while the vehicle is moving. No matter how tempting it may seem to have her play with your fleshy stick shift or to get a blowjob while you are cruising along at 80 miles an hour, remember speed + sex is never safe. All it takes is one second of lost control and you will exemplify
the French nickname for orgasm, la petite mort—“the little death.” Plus, if you get pulled over, there’s no way to avoid a ticket if a sweat-soaked, hardworking police officer sees your pants down around your ankles.
BENCH WARMING
DO:
Sneak a quickie in a park or botan ical garden. Benches are perfect for this—have her wear a short flared skirt with no panties, sit her on your lap, then unzip your pants and impale her on your hard member. If you spy a pesky passerby, tell her to stop moving and sit still. If they don’t look too closely, she’ll look like she’s sitting innocently on your lap.
DON’T:
Do it in a flower bed unless you get turned on by bee stings or ant bites. Also, stay away from freshly cut grass to avoid a grass burn. Grass and flower beds may also contain pesticides, so make sure that neither of you is allergic before doffing your duds on the greensward.
ROCK THE BOAT
DO:
You can try it in a rowboat, a speedboat, a sailboat, or a yacht if you can afford it. There’s nothing like an orgasm on a rocking boat, and an ocean breeze adds to your arousal!
DON’T:
Surprise her with a major boat trip without first checking whether or not she gets seasick—unless you have an upchuck fetish.
GET HER WET
DO:
Get wild in a pool, hot tub, or Jacuzzi, as the buoyancy adds to sexual pleasure. Jacuzzi jets have the added advantage of being a built-in stimulator-just lean her against one while doing her from behind.
DON’T:
Forget lubrication and protection-water adds friction, so make sure to have a lubricant handy, and you can’t rely on salty or chlorinated water to act as a spermicide. And don’t even ask
if it’s possible to get her pregnant by withdrawing and ejaculating in the water—that could depend on whether or not your spermatozoids have spatial orientation, and I really don’t recommend conducting an empirical investigation.
MAKE WAVES
DO:
Create some waves in a natural body of water, such as a river, lake, or ocean. Pull her swimsuit to the side and slip it in, or go skinny-dipping if you have enough privacy.
DON’T:
Attempt watery sex if you can’t swim, particularly if there is the possibility of an undercurrent. And don’t leave your valuables out of sight and unattended—a lesson I learned from personal experience.
SEX ON THE BEACH
DO:
It’s classic, naughty, and the stuff of romance novels and her fantasies.
DON’T:
Forget to do it on a towel or jacket if you’re going at it on the sand; it will prevent nasty genital abrasions and sand-flea attacks. Another way to prevent those pesky sand grains from making their way into her love canal is to do it doggie-style.
