Relationships may be more complicated than ever, but the eternal truth is, sex is—and should be—good. In order to help you get the most out of your sex life, you need advice from experts on both sides of the bed.
By Martin Downs, M.P.H., and Victoria Zdrok, Ph.D.

I’ve been married for almost ten years and my wife and I have three beautiful children. I still enjoy making love to her, although her vagina has definitely become a lot looser following childbirth. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why lately I have become obsessed with fucking her in the ass. After much begging and pleading she usually gives in to my request, but she never seems to be really into it. She tells me that the fact that I am uncircumcised makes anal sex difficult for her. Is that true or just an excuse? She also complains that she gets diarrhea after I come inside her ass. How can I make her enjoy anal sex?

The Downs side: You can’t make someone enjoy something unless what you mean by “enjoy” is “put up with,” which unfortunately seems to be the case.

First of all, your uncircumcised penis isn’t the problem. The problem is that your wife doesn’t want to be fucked in the ass, but apparently her only choices are letting you have your way or listening to you whine. If you badger her into submission, she’s unlikely to enjoy it.

If you’re ready to stop being a knucklehead, start by reading up on anal sex. The two must-have manuals for anal-sex enthusiasts are Dr. Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure & Health and Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. One of the many important things you’ll learn from these authors is what’s now considered the golden rule of anal sex: It should never hurt. Pain means something is wrong and is possibly causing harm.

Another key is using lots of good, water-based sex lube made specifically for that purpose (not spit, suntan lotion, or whatever else happens to be handy). However, even with copious lubrication, it still feels bad to stick something up your butt if you don’t really want it there. The muscles of your anal sphincter must be coaxed to relax in order to allow penetration. For that to happen, you have to feel safe, at ease, and completely willing. Don’t try to use booze or drugs as a shortcut, because they’re apt to cloud judgment and obscure pain, increasing the risk of injury. Desensitizing creams or lubes are also strongly discouraged for the same reason.

Before doing it with a partner, it’s a good idea to get comfortable with anal penetration through solo exploration, using fingers or dildos of different sizes. Always proceed slowly, and never force anything through the anus. Whether it’s as slender as a pinky finger or as fat as a soup can, it should slip in effortlessly.

Keep this in mind: The more your wife learns to expect discomfort when your cock comes knocking at her back door, the more her asshole will tense up. A person’s anus is capable of holding grudges when treated so rudely, as your wife’s has. In time, it might forgive you, but right now you need to give it some space. It would be a shame to permanently sour your wife on anal eroticism if she can find a way to enjoy it. There’s no guarantee that she will, but with a little anal-sex education and some sensitivity on your part, she just might turn out to be a bigger ass freak than you are.

The Pet doctor: It sounds as if you jam your cock into your wife’s ass without the preparation that would let her relax and perhaps even enjoy the experience. Make sure you use a ton of lubricant and finger her anus to relax her before attempting penile insertion. You can use anal probes or beads to help loosen her anal sphincter. (Warning: shameless self-promotional plug ahead.) You’ll find a great selection of them at

Your being uncircumcised should not hinder anal penetration. In fact, an uncircumcised penis usually has more natural lubrication than its circumcised counterpart. That’s probably just an excuse she uses to try to save her butt from being manhandled. In terms of her complaining of diarrhea following anal sex, however, that is quite possible—your ejaculate can be an enema of sorts. Try coming on her butt instead of inside it. Most important, try to change her negative attitude toward anal sex by renting hot anal pornos where a woman actually enjoys it. Or, if she’s not into watching porn, try erotica: Toni Bentley’s memoir Surrender is an ode to the joy of giving up her ass for the pure enjoyment of her lover.

As a woman, I have to add, I hope you’re not bitching to your wife that her vaginal canal is less tight than before. If she interprets those comments as part of your attempt to fuck her ass, she might not be aware that it’s a real issue. When you tell her that you’re going to take some time to educate yourself about anal pleasure, also gently encourage her to perform Kegel exercises, which can help tighten and strengthen her vaginal muscles so she can get a better grip. Try getting her a toy that’s used for Kegeling and help her “work out.” That should help you regain some of your former interest in her pussy.

Submit your questions about sex, relationships, and women to Martin and/or Victoria at
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