Sans Dick Sucking

I don’t know how I ever got a job before porn. It couldn’t have been my “can do” eager to please attitude. I can’t verbally suck dick. Physically? Yes I can do that. But I don’t suck dick for jobs. I suck dick as a job. But not the hiring manager’s dick. I prefer stunt cock. I’m off subject.

The point is I can’t kiss ass or blow things out of proportion. I can’t make a big deal out of my dexterity on a ten key calculator. I can’t turn past experience chasing bums off of storefronts into “oversaw promotion of positive company image” or first position on the burger line into “head chef”. I showed up to a job interview in pajamas once. I still got the job sans dick sucking. And no, it was not a porn interview.

So here’s where this is all coming from: I put an ad up on Craigslist for an assistant. 10-15 hours a week, simple stuff, must have own transportation and be comfortable in an adult themed industry. References required. I’ve had literally hundreds of emails. 90% include attached resumes. One person really did list the ability to use a ten key calculator. One person really did claim to be detail oriented and thorough, spelled thuro. Most of them started out with dear hiring manager, dear sir or madam, to whom it may concern: …

Or it was just a blank email with the resume attached. I deleted all of them. If there was a spelling error, if it was too impersonal, or too formal for porn, it didn’t stand a chance.

I was left with a spattering of resumes that seemed to be on target. I interviewed 5 people tonight. I looked for applicants who had personality and could get things done correctly without any instruction from me. And they can all spell correctly, just because it’s a pet peeve of mine. I didn’t make it easy so I figured if they showed up on time to the right place with resume in hand and not dressed like they had a stick up their ass we’d be good to go. 3 did, 2 were late, 2 didn’t show up. I’d weeded them out pretty quickly. I ended up with 4 aspiring actors/actresses and 1 aspiring musician. The two who were late are out of the running, not only because they weren’t on top of it enough to figure it out for themselves but one showed up with a resume folded eight directions and it just seemed off. I can’t imagine he really has his life together and the thought of charging him with the task of getting mine together is scary.

So now that I’m down to three, and they are all wonderful and prompt and smart and don’t need to be babysat and have all the necessary skills and experience and I don’t know what to do because I want them all. They each have one unique obvious strength. If combined they’d be superhumans. They’re all willing to accept the same pay. They’re all equally cool. I’m stuck.

So I did some research. It’s too late to do the reference checks but I looked up myspace and facebook profiles and still nothing concrete enough to whittle it down further. I’m dealing with three skilled, flexible, down to earth people. And all I can think about is what I could possibly have had on the other applicants when I got a job in pajamas.

Kayden Kross is an adult film actress and was Penthouse Pet of the Month September 2008. For more information about Kayden visit her Official Site at www.clubkayden.com