Charlie Laine – Save the Date

The economy may be slumping, but your sex life doesn’t have to suffer a downturn, too. Penthouse Pet Charlie Laine explains how to get your sexual stock to point up.
By Jonathan Ages

PUT IT OUT THERE
“Tell her about your money issues. She’ll understand—everybody’s going through tough times. Just don’t whine about it. It looks bad. Anyway, you can’t hide this stuff from your woman. A wife is gonna know when her husband isn’t making as much money. You get grumpy.”

A LITTLE PAYBACK
“It’s gotta be hard, as a man, to ask a woman to help take care of you. But a relationship is a partnership, so of course you can ask her to split the bill. That’s fair game. Heck, I would offer!”

CAN’T BUY ME LOVE
“Money shouldn’t be the basis of love. Do things together that don’t cost much—watch a movie, take a walk on the beach, make dinner. It only matters that you enjoy each other’s company. All I need is for a guy to make me laugh. I’m a cheap date.”

SEX THERAPY
“Work can get particularly stressful with layoffs going on around you, but don’t bring that crap home with you. A girl can always make things better—sex, blowjobs—as long as you’re sweet to her. Stop at the gas station on the way home and buy her one of those cheap little roses. It’s just a little inspiration for her to be extra sweet.”

GROUND RULES
“You can talk about work or the economy when you first get home, but don’t discuss it after dinner. If we’re feeling down, it’s gonna be harder to have sex. Take flower petals and put them on the bed or light candles or run a bath—those little things help take our minds away from the economy and get us in the mood.”

EASE HER PAIN
“She doesn’t need to feel the hit to your income. A simple—and free!—foot massage will totally melt her heart. Bring lunch to work so you can save a couple of bucks every day. At the end of the month, take that money and buy your girlfriend a nice dinner. It doesn’t cost much to win a girl’s heart—at least not most girls.”

BAD INVESTMENT
“It’s hard to deal with a girlfriend who keeps spending your money. If she needs to buy a pair of shoes so she can feel better about herself, encourage her to go to one of those discount designer stores. (I don’t buy that stuff, though. I was raised in Wisconsin, and our biggest shopping spree was at Walmart.) If she still complains about you not buying her stuff, then obviously she doesn’t want you, she just wants your money. Peace out, beyotch!”