Our October 2009 Pet of the Month tells us the nine most common mistakes she sees guys making in bed … and tells you how to fix each problem.
By Ryan Keely
If you want the perfect shave, you go to a barber. If you want to make the perfect martini, you consult a bartender. So if you want to improve your sex skills, why not get advice from a porn star? Just bear one thing in mind: Ryan is the Pet who happily told us that she doesn’t make love; she has sex. If you’re with a more romance oriented woman, start small and gauge her reaction to, say, talking dirty. It could take a while for her to break out of the nice-girl mold.
1 . Not making sandwiches.
After a nice orgasm (or seven), I have one thing to say: “Where’s my sandwich?” I’m starving after a serious sack session. Your quick fix: Please be a good host and keep sandwich making materials on hand.
2 .Coming first and thinking you’re done.
A failure to make me orgasm will result in the saddest face you’ve ever seen, followed by the worst night of sleep you’ve ever had—if you can sleep at all while a naked me is fondling your nether regions and grinding against you. Your quick fix: Get me off, of course. I’ll be responsible for my own orgasm when I’m alone, but when I’m with you, I’m looking for something more. Please note: If you come first but you’re still hard or quick to regain tumescence, all will be forgiven.
3 . Trying every single foreplay move you’ve ever heard of.
Foreplay is not as important as you think, unless you’re ugly. Five minutes is plenty for me, and it can be plenty for most women if you do it right. Your quick fix: Make sure I’m wet or lubed up before you thrust into me, and at least sometimes make me come first. Please note: Oral sex is sex, not foreplay.
4 .Asking permission once we’ve started puttin’ stuff places.
Obviously, all sex should be consensual. But once we’re in the act, don’t ask. Your quick fix: Just do it. Chances are good that I’ll like it, and even if I don’t, I’ll appreciate the initiative. Trust me, if I don’t want you to do something, I’ll let you know.
5 . Trying too many positions in too short a time frame.
While I appreciate the enthusiasm, orgasms need time to build. Your quick fix: Relax and enjoy the moment. If we have lots of fun during round one, we can try new positions in round two, round three, round four….
6 .Being passive.
I want to have sex with a man, not a martyr. Don’t let me feel like I’m forcing myself on you. Your quick fix: Be an active participant in the fun and games. And while we’re on the subject …
7 . Not making noise.
Try to tell me how it feels, even if all you can get out is grunts or expletives. It’s the least you can do, since I’m going to be yelling about God and Jesus and how much I love your cock. Your quick fix: A few dirty comments and moans will let me know you’re loving it, too.
8 .Being weird about bodily fluids.
Sex is messy, especially if you do it right. Your quick fix: Learn to love it—duh. Some things are worth getting used to, and this is definitely one of them.
9. Not letting me spoon you.
Spooning goes both ways. It’s not part of some evil plan to peg you—unless you want me to. Your quick fix: Just accept it. Life will be easier and your sex life will be better if you’re the little spoon from time to time.
And don’t forget my damn sandwich. Even PB&J will suffice.