You read about what Jay Leno is saying about me? I went into the lmprov one time, there’s Leno with a big smile on — “Hey, Andrew, how you doing?”— ’cause he’s already heard I was pissed off. I go, “We got a problem, don’t we? Why are you acting nice to me now?” He goes, “If you don’t say things about me, I won’t say …” I said, “I never said anything about you, I never think about you, you’re nobody to me. Where do you come off going to HBO and this and that and telling people they can’t put me on. Who are you?” And he goes, “You know both of us went farther than we ever thought we would in comedy.” I said, “Hey, maybe you did. I’m just starting, man. There’s not going to be anybody bigger than me.”
That’s another thing that comics can’t take with me, because I’ve had this attitude since the day I started that I’m going to be the biggest ever. There’s no in-between, just like I said about loyalty. I couldn’t stay a middle-of-the-road comic, just making a living, because I want a life. Whenever a comic isn’t where they want to be, they start picking on me. Because when they talk about me, they get the press. So that’s what he’s doing. Next time I run into him, there’s going to be no talk. I grew up a certain way-you want to fuck with me, you’re going to pay the price, ya hear me, now?
What do you say to people who call your material the “comedy of hate”?
Clay: Let’s say I wasn’t a comic, and I made these, uh … speeches about women. Saying you should take your woman by her hair and make her suck your dick until it bleeds-I mean, that would be horrible. But because I’m a comic, I make it funny. I mean, I can talk about being in the gym, and say instead of going to the gym, banging a chick is the workout and you’re not paying $2,000 a year for a membership. So next time you get in bed with a girl, you might think about it and go, “Oh shit, he’s right. Look, I’m holding her under her ass, it’s hard to hold her up. I’m working on my biceps now.” It’s all how you look at something. I got a license to pick on anything because I’m a comic.
What does feminism mean to you?
Clay: It means that they want their rights and all that shit. Fine. What do I care?
Do you think feminists get upset if you hold the door open for them?
Clay: Yeah, well, it depends if they like the guy, I guess. If you’re feminine, there’s different ways of being a feminist. Is it the kind of job you want? Do you want it to end with your job or do you want to always pay for your date or do you always drive? That’s one of the problems with that, because there are no set rules. It’s like, “I’ll draw the rules later, but I want a job that pays $200,000 a year, but I also want a guy who’s going to pay the mortgage.” Is that where it is? Or are you splitting it down the middle? And there are certain women who just want a good job and they fight for their rights that way, you know, but yet they want a lover who takes control and holds their hand and opens the door for them.
In my act, there is only one way. Dice is a brick wall. With Dice it’s shut your mouth and open your legs. That trembling girl voice that I do — I can’t believe women take it seriously. There is no woman out there like that. Believe me, the ones I’ve been with tortured me. Youknowwhatlmean? You can never really figure them. I can figure guys because I am one. It’s like different animals; you got dogs and you got cats. I’ve studied women my whole life. I’m crazy about them. I talk about the animal in the person. The woman who’s Saying “Fuck the shit out of me,” and then she’s prim and proper in front of the family. Men have that in them, too. I have that in me. I’m just looking to see if I’ve got it all straight. Am I going to stand there and go, “Isn’t it beautiful when your girlfriend comes out all dressed up ready to go to a wedding?” That’s not funny. But talking about being at the wedding and taking her in the back and lifting her dress and banging her — that’s funny. That’s the joke of my act, you know? The act is more zany than it is dirty, when you think about it.
So you really love women?
Clay: Definitely. But what does loving a chick have to do with the point that you also like to fuck ’em? It’s two different things. It’s like the old expression: Every guy wants a lady, but in bed he wants a whore. I do. That’s what I like.
Can you be friends with a woman when you’re not screwing her?
Clay: Yeah, I am. Plenty of them. Most of them are ugly.
That’s why you’re not screwing them?
Clay: Yeah, yeah, I got women friends, plenty of them. But the woman I’m with, Trini, I got passion for her. I can be her friend, but I’m also her lover. You got to deliver on both ends.
“That trembling girl voice that I do — I can’t believe women take it seriously. There is no woman out there like that. The ones I’ve been with tortured me.”
Why do you admire Sylvester Stallone so much?
Clay: His will to survive and to constantly prove himself as a person, as an actor, as an artist against all the odds, in one of the roughest places ever to make a career. He beat them bigger than anybody. It was a complete thrill when I met him. When he put out Rocky, I was 17 and I sat in the movie theater on Avenue U, with my father, in Brooklyn. I caught that message. I’ve already lived through Rocky I and II I think I’m in Ill right now. What Rocky Ill is, you could be on top, but you’re not yet.