“I am not a licensed therapist, guru, or magic relationship mender. This is sex and love advice from a guy who has seen both failure and success in the relationship department. I am a little jaded, a little disillusioned, a little sarcastic, yet very honest. Answers may be sincere, absurd, comical, or sometimes flat-out wrong. You’ll have to consider the source, I suppose.”
[For a short time, Penthouse Magazine had Dave Navarro as a pseudo advice columnist and a full-time entertaining one. With the “extra Thursday” in December this year, we decided to give you a peek at January a little early so that we could share one of these columns with you. Musicians tend to be a fun lot. We’ll say that for them. -Ed.]
Dave Navarro on Dating
How much time do you invest in courting a woman if she’s not giving you what you want?
Time? Courting? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I assume that sex is “what I want” in this question, so I will answer accordingly. Rarely does a woman consider that some men “want” compassion, support, understanding, partnership, and a deeply profound emotional connection. I don’t want any of those things, so you came to the right guy!
How much time? That depends on the woman. If she is interesting and smart and funny enough, I can hang in there a long time without sex. Of course, there are plenty of ways to satisfy each other that aren’t straight sex. She’d have to throw in some of those from time to time. But overall, personality goes a long way. I’m just not into walking the line that could land me in the “big-brother” category. Sometimes a man hangs in too long with the girl of his dreams and ends up becoming a shoulder to cry on when another guy upsets her. I’m reeeally not into that. I guess it comes down to how much time we’ve spent together, rather than days on a calendar. My generic answer would be three to five dates. (I’m speculating here, as I have never waited that long.) The real key is to have a light conversation on the subject when the two of you are comfortable with it. Share your views on the matter, and each of you can make an informed decision.
Dave Navarro on Intimacy
I had a bad childhood, with a lot of abuse on every level: verbal, emotional, sexual, a lot of violence and chaos, and no intimacy from either parent. I was neglected and had to care for myself as far back as I can remember. I’m 36 now and wondering why, when someone is totally into me, I get irritated, tear them apart, and find a reason to dump them. When it’s over, I want the pain. I crave the man who is not interested; if he hates me, it’s like grounds for marriage. It’s painful, and I’m not sure I will ever be able to receive love. I’ve tried Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and therapy. What do you think?
You kind of answered your own question. Your “teachers” were clearly ill equipped to provide you with healthy relationship skills and tools for achieving true intimacy. Chaos is familiar to you, and when you find yourself in the absence of it, you become uncomfortable, like a fish out of water, gasping for oxygenated replenishment. Your solution is to re-create what you are skilled at: handling the pain and anguish of your childhood. You dump the man, creating the longing for the love that you wanted all along from your parents. This is fairly common, and you are certainly not alone. (Trust me, I know. I’m usually only attracted to women like you!) It’s time to take your life back and break free of the familial grip. This isn’t easy, as you will be required to step into areas of discomfort and tread water for a while without having a knee-jerk reaction. Just watch your thoughts and feelings as they go by, but do not respond to them. Your mind will want to trick you into running away, but stay the course. Recognition of this type of syndrome is the only first step. It’s a long road ahead, but with therapy and self-help groups, the cycle can be broken.
Dave Navarro on Cowardice
Why do so many guys break up over the phone? It seems really disrespectful and uncaring, and pretty tactless.
I happen to be a break-up-over-the-phone guy myself. (I know I’ll get shit for that, but it’s true.) For me, if I’m at a place where I know I’m no longer interested in pursuing a relationship, I make it known as soon as I can. But I’m talking about relationships that are months long, not marriages or when a couple lives together. The reason I opt for a phone call is simple: I don’t want to throw out false hope and have a breakup meeting be mistaken for a date or an attempt at reconciliation. If I ask to get together knowing I want to end things, I don’t think it’s fair to make plans, have her get ready, and meet somewhere simply so she can listen to the reasons why I wish to end things. What then? We walk away and drive home? That just sounds awful.