Many people say, “It should be face-to-face, blah, blah, blah.” Why? If you don’t want to see someone, isn’t seeing them to break up counter-productive? I’d rather a woman break up with me over the phone. I’m not interested in taking time out of my day only to be told, “By the way, that hour you spent getting ready to come here? That was for nothing, because I never want to see you again.”
The fact is, it sucks to hear your partner isn’t interested anymore. Don’t cling to how horrible he is for breaking up that way. That just lets you avoid looking at your own actions. The better bet is to accept it’s over and try to learn what changes, if any, you need to make in your own life. If your side is clean, it’s his loss.
P.S.: An in-person breakup can include an emotional tidal wave that the “ender” isn’t really interested in dealing with. I know it sounds cold, but once they’re out, they’re out. Why would they want to sit through tears and drama and character assassinations? Usually after such an onslaught of baggage, the “ender” walks away thinking, Thank God I did that! If that was a preview of the next ten years, I just dodged a major bullet. The “endee” should turn to friends for support. Leave the “ender” wondering if he or she did the right thing. Don’t validate their deepest fears by making them sit through the agony of watching a breakdown.
Dave Navarro on the Y Chromosome
Why do men complain that they don’t get enough sex, then when they find someone who wants it all the time, they don’t want it as much?
Ha! There are probably many variables at work in this scenario. Let me focus on one. Most men need a little chase. We tend to love the idea that our women “give in” to us and our sexual prowess. Call it ego, but it’s true. When the dynamic turns from getting to have sex to having to have sex, it can be a turnoff. I’m not saying this isn’t true for women; you just happened to ask about men.
This is an awful comparison, but allow me to demonstrate. You know how when you get a new car, you take pride in every aspect of being the owner? You take it to the car wash, fill it up regularly at the gas station — and even do the windows, too — worry about where you park, etc. Eventually, a day comes where you’re like, “Fuck! I’m out of gas! I have to fill up!” Wait. Never mind. That is a terrible metaphor — and a little too revealing of the mind of this writer. Let’s start over. If you lived in a small town and there was only one restaurant, wouldn’t you get bored of the same old-damn! Again, scratch that.
Sometimes a little withholding can be a healthy way to keep things fresh. You can suggest mutual masturbation as an option, keeping the heat alive and mixing things up. But as soon as a man or woman feels like he or she has to “service” a partner, regardless of how he or she feels, resentment can crop up. Resentment, in the absence of cheating or deceit, is the No. l killer of a committed relationship.
Why is it that if a man has a lot of sex partners he’s considered a real man, and if a woman does she’s considered a ho?
I don’t know how true this is anymore. The playing field seems to be leveling out. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked out a woman only to hear, “I’ve heard about you! You’re a total whore!” (Still, I make it work for me.) The point is, this age-old double standard is becoming a little less unfair to women.
I think the double standard stems from male insecurity. Men want to be the hunters, the cocks of the walk. They’re used to the old way of thinking: The woman is the caretaker, the keeper of the home. If she becomes more “outgoing,” they think there must be something wrong with her. Even worse, they think there must be something wrong with themselves. It can be crushing to the male ego to think that women have the same needs as men; to know that women think up just as many dirty visuals and fantasize about other lovers as often as men do; to imagine that, in bed, she may be thinking about being with one of your friends.
(Sorry, guys, it happens.)
In addition, there’s a whole physical issue at play here. The man’s genitals are on the outside and the woman’s are on the inside. On some unconscious level, men imagine that a woman allowing someone to “enter” her body is more intimate and sacred than simply entering the body of a partner. That can fuck up a guy’s head if he isn’t careful.
Sure, there are those who say that men have millions of sperm trying to escape and fertilize women, while women have but one egg waiting for fertilization, giving men some physiological right to be more promiscuous. I say that people are people and they are going to do, think, and act the way they want. This being the case, let’s just do away with the labels.
Of course we could not do a recap of the Dave Navarro advice without a throwing a little love at Dave Navarro history. A little Addiction never hurt Jane any.]