Penthouse Retrospective

by Dave Navarro Originally Published: April, 2011

Sex Considerations| 10 Years Ago This Month

There are many aspects of sex to consider. Fortunately it will likely be among the more fun research projects of your life.

Penthouse Magazine - April, 2011Nothing’s Shocking

Still … “not a licensed therapist, guru, or magic relationship mender. This is sex and love advice from a guy who has seen both failure and success in the relationship department. I am a little jaded, a little disillusioned, a little sarcastic, yet very honest. Answers may be sincere, absurd, comical, or sometimes flat-out wrong. You’ll have to consider the source, I suppose.”

When should a woman tell a guy what she’s looking for in a man? It seems like many guys have no interest in any kind of commitment these days, so I would think the best time would be immediately. (I wonder if I answered my own question.) I have no clue about how to date, but I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t know if “immediately” is the most advisable move. That could scare off just about anybody. Making such a claim when you hardly know someone can come across as needy and suffocating. Unless of course the discussion is about what you both eventually want in life: kids, commitment, marriage, etc. Personally, I think that dating should be simple and easy and fun, especially at first. There’s no need to add stress and pressure at the onset. Who knows if you even like the guy?

I’d suggest that if the subject of your future comes up, tell your date what you might like to see happen for yourself-in a general way, of course. The problem is that most guys tend to agree with anything before they’ve slept with you. “Marriage? Sure! Kids? Yes!” Just take your time and see where the relationship takes you, but most of all, have fun. Nobody Iikes to feel as if he’s auditioning for your life partner. Trust me, if “the one” shows up, you’ll know it. No need to aim your laser beams at a man simply because the two of you are having dinner.

Do you think plastic surgery enhances sexual experiences? I think it’s a sexual facade and that natural is best.

This is an odd question, but I’ll answer it anyway. I would say, absolutely it can enhance the experience. The sexier a woman feels, the sexier and more comfortable she’ll be in the bedroom. It’s all surface stuff, I know, but at the end of the day it’s no different from picking out special lingerie, setting a mood with candles and music, or even simply taking a shower before playtime. The idea is to feel free and uninhibited. If a woman has a particular feature that bothers her, she’s more likely to be distracted and/or focused on that rather than the matter at hand. We all do things to make ourselves feel better, healthier, and more attractive, like going to the gym, getting our teeth cleaned, dieting, and so forth. Is getting one’s hair done less of a facade? If science has provided another outlet on the path to self-esteem, I say, why not? Don’t knock sexual facades; they can be pretty fucking erotic at times.

Why do girls give out their phone number but not respond when you call? How many times do we call before we’re considered a stalker?

Well, sometimes it may be easier for women to give out a number than deal with chatting. It can be a quick way to say, “Okay, we’re done now. Move along.” Many women give out made-up numbers or the number of an enemy or ex-boyfriend. (That’s actually a good one!)

As for how many attempts at a contact? It depends. You really have to go on instinct. My general rule would be twice. Two calls, two texts, or a call and a text. After that, you more than likely have your answer. The real key is not to become emotionally invested in an answer. Don’t let your self-esteem hang on whether or not you hear back.

An exception to the two-times rule: Every now and then, you may meet a woman who wants to be chased. Make it fun and light and playful. Send random texts that really have nothing to do with anything, funny pictures, etc. This lets her know you’re thinking about her without pressuring her for a reply.

How do I let my current boyfriend know that I like anal sex without freaking him out, or making him think I’m a weirdo?

Eeewww! What the fuck is the matter with you? … Just kidding!

Although I don’t care for the idea myself, I don’t think it’s weird at all. But if you think he may have an adverse reaction, don’t approach the subject during sex. That could open up a can of worms that can’t be closed, and at a very awkward time. Bring it up in a conversation and suggest the idea as experimentation and something new and fun for the two of you. There’s no need to bask in stories of how much you’ve enjoyed it in the past with other lovers. That could be off-putting to any man.

The issue here isn’t the subject of anal. You realize that, don’t you? The issue is, you’re worried that who you are and what you want will be looked upon as weird or freakish. These types of things should be totally safe to talk about and are acceptable subjects between intimate lovers. You may want to think about that.

Why is it so difficult to find a man for regular sex but no relationship? In my experience, men either want a committed relationship or they want sex sporadically when it’s convenient for them. I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want random sex on their schedule. I want someone to hang out with once a week or so, and the rest of the time we can both do whatever we want and not have to answer to each other.

First of all, move to L.A. There are thousands of us here! Or play it needy and clingy, and they’ll back down to once a week. I promise. (I’m kidding, but not really.)

The lines “I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want random sex on their schedule. I want someone to hang out with once a week or so” are interesting. What you’re saying is, you don’t want sex on their schedule, you want it on yours. Ha! You can’t have it both ways. If you’re going to make this work, it has to accommodate both of your schedules. The irony is that when men want that very thing, they get crucified for saying so. As for finding the right guy, it’s a trial-and-error process. Or you can look into finding a submissive somewhere who will cower at your every command.

I’ve been masturbating to pictures of you for about 20 years. How do I make myself stop?

I’m afraid there is no known cure at this time. You don’t have to feel alone though. My therapist struggles with the very same disorder.

We have rerun a few of the classic Sex with Dave Navarro columns from our past, but if you want to see the first one again, we can help you out. Great sex tends to be about giving, after all.