In today’s scary age, when you’re cancelled, you might as well be dead. For each person cancelled in 2019, we are publishing an obit to mock cancel culture.
She was gone before we knew her. This week, Kylie Jenner’s live-in best friend Jordyn Woods, 21, was cancelled. Her quick death began on Sunday, February 17. On that fateful evening, Woods made out with Khloe Kardashian’s boyfriend-cum-baby daddy, the C-list NBA player Tristan Thompson. Jason Lee, a Hollywood Unlocked blogger, spotted Woods. After she met the Jenners through the Smiths, Woods had become a Keeping up with the Kardashians regular, a reality star in her own right. The next morning, Lee published a clip on his site. Within minutes, Twitter cancelled Woods.
Khloe confirmed the news. While she unfollowed Woods (but not Thompson who had cheated on her), the Kardashian-Jenners’ friends/employees went into attack mode. As Harpers Bazaar reported, Malika Haq wrote, “STRONG FACTS.” “Amen!!!” Larsa Pippen said. Adding gas to the witch burning, Kim Kardashian posted a video of herself lip-synching “find your own man.”
Nevermind that Kim allegedly homewrecked Kanye West and Amber Rose’s happy relationship and Khloe allegedly first fucked Thompson while his then-girlfriend was pregnant. (The Kardashians have denied the rumors.) As always, context doesn’t affect a cancellation. “[sic] Why is she a simple cunt,” tweeted one woman. “enjoy it cunt,” said another. Offline, Khloe fired Woods as a model for her Good American jeans line, and Kylie discounted Woods’s lip-liner.
Woods achieved these jobs after years in the Kardashian orbit. Raised in Calabasas, Woods grew up around celebrities. Her mother was a celebrity manager. As Kris Jenner manages her children, Elizabeth Woods managed Jordyn. She befriended Kylie in middle school, and they quickly became best friends, which in Kardashian world means Woods quickly became a Keeping up with the Kardashians guest star. By the time she was a legal adult, Woods was a cast member. She moved into Kylie’s guest house and helped raise her baby, Stormi.
It’s fair for them to cut Woods off—she betrayed the family—but along with losing her livelihood, Woods is getting smeared. (Two traumas for the price of one.) Only Lena Dunham defended her, tweeting, “Can you imagine if who you’d made out with when you were 21 had massive public shaming consequences?” Although all 21-year-olds fuck the wrong people, the public attacked Dunham.
Today, Woods will appear on Jada Pinkett Smith’s The Red Table, hoping to restore her reputation. Woods wants to climb out of the hole, but as all cancelled people eventually learn, she’s not in a hole. Being cancelled is being buried alive. All Woods can do is grieve.
UPDATE: After this story was published, Woods appeared on Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk. Twitter subsequently uncancelled Woods (a social media first) and then cancelled Khloe Kardashian, who is pushing 40, for shaming a 21-year-old. Woods has been resurrected and likely will get her own makeup line. Kylie, watch out!!!