Keep It Fresh
[You may also need a chiropractor with these positions — which does add to the unforgettable aspect certainly — but for the most part we will leave the descriptions with the magazine experts. You will note our ever-so-helpful editorial notes in bracket. Because brackets make things official and full of really important stuff.]
The Eiffel Tower
The Eiffel Tower, also known as a reimagined Spit Roast, marks the only time it’s ever appropriate to high-five during sex. The concept is simple: One person is on all fours, receiving one partner from behind, while performing oral on the other person. The two outside partners then gleefully high-five and “oui oui!” each other, bringing the iconic Eiffel Tower position to life. This trés underrated ménage à trois is a sexual (French) revolution. No matter what role you fulfill in the architectural erotic wonder that is The Eiffel Tower, you’re guaranteed to have a beret good time. Bon voyage and high-five! [One caveat here: Should the person on all fours actually hear this high-five, odds are even on whether or not this person will bite down in anger. Might be wise to go for the other end, should this really sound like a good idea to you.]
The concept of international travel and boarding a real-life plane might feel like an explicit fantasy right now, but don’t fret; there’s another way you can join the Mile-High Club. Yoga and CrossFit become one to create this extremely intimidating, expert-level sex position known as The Helicopter. To achieve The Helicopter, the woman must prop herself up on her back with her legs over her head before the man inserts his erection and planks on top of her. To initiate “liftoff,” and this is where the magic comes in, he starts propelling around in complete circles while remaining inserted. Warning: You’re both going to want to be fit and strong to complete this sex position or else one of you might end up with an airline fracture. [While the “injector” might receive sufficient lubrication in this position — maybe — the other skin parts twirling on top of each other will soon provide an excellent reminder as to what friction does out in the real world. Hey, maybe you’ll be sweaty enough for it not to matter. You’ll almost certainly be drunk enough for it not to matter until tomorrow at least.]
If you have ever fantasized about being a helpless fly trapped in a spiderweb at the mercy of an insatiable female arachnid, then this position is for you. Despite its name, The Spider isn’t actually as spooky as it sounds, but it does involve lets a lot. To achieve The Spider, the couple starts by facing each other, both in a seated position. The man then penetrates the woman, and they both recline back. The couple then begin to wiggle, gyrate, thrust and grind against each other, mimicking a spider wrestling and wrapping up her prey. Perfect for newlywebs. [This position will be perfect for when you really want to screw, but you just can’t stand looking at the other person, even a little bit. At all.]
The Wheelbarrow isn’t your garden-variety sex position. An interesting alternative for doggy-style lovers, this position essentially involves the woman being turned into a human wheelbarrow. It looks pretty kooky, but it’s actually pretty spot-on for internal stimulation and hitting angles you wouldn’t normally hit. A little core strength goes a long way — channel your inner dexterity. You’re going to want to have a basic level of athleticism and not skip arm day for this one — stability is key! — otherwise you’ll end up with a wonky wheelbarrow. If you think The Wheelbarrow is kinky, you are certainly not ready to hear about The Mower. Meet me behind the garden shed in five? [Right. This will be perfect because the only way to make sex more fun would be to try and balance in pushup position while the guy behind you tries to hang on to your legs, thrusts, all while trying not to pile-drive your head into the ground … or the wall … or the furniture.]
At this point the magazine article drops out, probably because they ran out of space on the page more than any fears regarding our ability to comprehend “The Mower” position. That said, all of that sounded like way to much work to try and have fun. As illustration of our point, we offer Sky Wonderland, who happens to be the Penthouse Pet of the Month for July 2021 coincidentally enough. As you can clearly see, set up correctly, one has no use for a lawn mower with Sky.
By the way, should you really, really feel the need to spice things up because pulsing genitals just don’t get you going anymore, you might try the historically proven Tantric Techniques. Be warned, however: These are not for the faint of heart — or anyone in a hurry.