Tips from a Male Prostitute

Article by Team Penthouse

Even when the women are unattractive? “I’ve been really lucky,” Frank says. “Maybe unattractive people aren’t kinky, maybe they’re embarrassed to call somebody, but most of the people I see are at­tractive, or at least average. Some of them are surprisingly nice-looking.”

But there have been exceptions. “I do have some fat, unattractive customers that I see. I can still do it, but to me it’s hard work. I remember one couple: I walked in and there was this guy with a beer belly. Well, fine, sometimes you see a beer belly and there’s a beautiful woman next to it. So I walked into the other room, and there’s this elephant in a muumuu. I can tell she’s not a slim woman because her face is out to here, but I still don’t know what she’s really going to look like because the muumuu is hiding everything. So we go into the bedroom. She lies down on her back and her husband takes the muumuu off. The first thing that flops out are these big, watermelon breasts. Then there’s this huge stomach that looks like the whole watermelon patch. So she’s lying there and all I can see are these big breasts with this enormous mound under­neath them.”

He chuckles.

“Well, what can I do? I can’t say ‘barf,’ or ‘yech’—I have to be cool. And what’s really on my mind is there’s no way I can screw her on her back—how am I going to get between her legs, get an erection, and then find it through those gobs of skin? Well, thank God her husband turned her over and fucked her first. While he fucked her she gave me head, good head. The lights are low, her stomach has disappeared underneath her, and she’s giving me pretty good head. So I manage to get into a fantasy trip and get an erection.”

“But I still had to find her cunt through all that flesh,” he continues. “At first I couldn’t find it. So I’m starting to panic, and when you panic you’re going to lose the erection. So I start searching and poking, searching and poking. Finally, luckily, I found it before the erection disappeared, so I was able to fuck her. But I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to find it.”

Getting it up, of course, is only half the battle. Once achieved, that sometimes elusive erection has to be maintained at all costs. “The minute you panic or tense up,” Frank says, “you lose everything. You have to force yourself to keep a relaxed attitude, keep your fantasies in mind. If you don’t, the erection will go. The whole thing will be ruined, and you’ll feel terrible about yourself.”

Although this hasn’t happened to Frank in years, one incident that occurred early in his career remains etched in his mind.

“The first time it happened I think I was actually affected by the guy. He was a very macho New York-style guy, and for some reason, he had an effect on me and I couldn’t seem to do anything. He would give me head, I would have a nice erection, but when he said to fuck his wife, for some reason I couldn’t hold it. To this day I don’t know why. I even offered to give them their money back, but they wouldn’t take it. They were very nice about it. In fact, she even called me back the next day and said, ‘Gee, I’m sorry you couldn’t get into it. You seem like a nice person. That made me feel a little better, but I still felt like shit.”

Originally published in the June 1983 issue of Penthouse magazine. But male prostitutes still exist.