We Love Michael Cohen Because He’s a Blatant Asshole

March 1, 2019 Team Penthouse

Here at Penthouse magazine, we’ve known President Donald J. Trump’s ex-lawyer Michael Cohen for some time. Last year, while fact-checking our definitive profile of Stormy Daniels, we called him. He admitted he was a New York lawyer named Michael Cohen, but refused to “confirm or deny” that he was the Michael Cohen. We pushed him further, but the second he heard “Stormy,” he said, “I can’t comment, but I do love Penthouse.” Then he hung up.

It was a brief moment, but it summed up why America digs Cohen. When he lies, he winks, letting you know he’s fibbed.

Cohen displayed this trashy, immoral charisma at his Wednesday congressional hearing. In his opening statement, he said, “I lied but I’m not a liar.” Cohen then called Trump a “cheat” and a “conman.” When asked what that made him, Cohen replied, “A fool.” Representative Jackie Speier presumed Cohen threatened “an individual on [Trump’s] behalf” on 50 occasions, but the disbarred attorney corrected her: It was “probably” 500 times.

Republican congressmen were less open about their assholery. Instead of questioning Cohen, Representative Jim Jordan accused Cohen of lying. Yesterday, Jordan and other Republicans doubled down, asking the attorney general to investigate Cohen for perjury. Although these GOP foot soldiers were clearly protecting their political boss, President Trump, they insisted they just loved Lady Justice. As middle schoolers say, “Suuuuuuuuuure!” 

Trump’s Republican cohort are disguising their crookedness with a righteous air, like Democrats who preach wokeness then union bust when they enter the private sector. In a nation of self-righteous crooks, Cohen is a blatant asshole. During these hypocritical times, that makes him honorable chap—and Penthouse’s Man of the Moment. Congrats, Cohen. If you’d like a free subscription to Penthouse Gold, email [email protected]!

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