Penthouse POY (Pet of the Year) as Illustration
What follows will be an actual article from Penthouse Magazine, just as you have come to epect on these free internet pages. That said, as you have likely surmised from the title — what with being a fiendishly clever and all — will be a gallery more on topic with the POY History (Pet of the Year) going on concurrent with the voting for the 2021 winner going on now.
Not that we find anything at all wrong with Astrology as either a daliance or a soft science, but you can find these sorts of articles thousands of places on the web. What you cannot find, however, would be an article about sexual proclivity structured around the Zodiac, illustrated with POY History from as far back as 1978 and as current at 2004. While at first glance it may appear that in our efforts to shamelessly promote the FREE (as in anonymous and without cost) voting we really hope you will do, we have combined two completely disparate topics in a thinly-veiled attempt at showing off Penthouse photographs — even though none of the women pictured today happen to be wearing veils.
You would be wrong, however, as it turns out we did in fact uncover a very strong connection between the signs of the Zodiac and a collection of 16 Pets of the Year (and POY Runner Ups). Come to find out, every single one of these extraordinary women happened to be born in a month on the calendar, so each has a Zodiac sign. Wacky, right? … So now we may continue.
You can try to keep a lid on your real identity, use a VPN and wear a fake mustache, but it’s still possible to build a profile based on your browsing history, cache and propensity for looking at naked ladies. Where this gets interesting is when there’s enough data to link sexual preferences to personality types or, in the case of the latest research, astrological signs. So, let’s have some fun by matching star signs to the kind of sex you’re likely to be into. This is all highly scientific, by the way. Astrology, guys. It’s real.
You don’t mess around, do you? Aries are passionate and aggressive. They don’t hold back. No room for romance or foreplay. It’s go time. When an Aries says, “Let’s fuck,” you better be ready to drop those pants and take care of business. I’m dating an Aries because: duh.
Complete opposite to Aries. Taureans like to take their time. They prefer foreplay. Scented candles, coconut oil massages, lingering gazes — all that jazz. Also, they probably like jazz. Whatever works for you, I guess, but see above.
The twins. So guess what? Geminis are into group action or dating multiple partners at once. They like taking risks and require constant stimulation. They can be needy, but if you’re willing to satisfy that need, then you’re laughing all the way to the money shot. Just remember, you’re not the only one in their DMs.
Incurable romantics. Dinner at a fancy restaurant, flowers, weekends away, all leading to a heady lovemaking session with flailing ’80s hair and a Michael Bolton power ballad playing in the background.
Leos are control freaks who secretly want to be in a situation they cannot control. They go weak at the knees when imagining a four-on-one scenario, ideally with four Aries guys or gals. This matchmaking shit is easy, bro.
Not exactly what it says on the tin, Virgoans are the sort of people who like to dress in latex and whip someone’s testicles. Virgos are inveterate doms. You have been warned.
The scales of justice play their part here. Librans like everything aboveboard and legal. No exploitation. However, they’re lawyers, so they like a bit of dirty talk. Tell them what you’re going to do and watch them melt. No objection, your Honor
Don’t bother faking it with a Scorpio. They like to keep it real. The most likely sign to be up for some home movie action, either watching or participating. Scorpios are why Snapchat was invented.
Poor old Sags. They like to travel the world and go down on you next to the Trevi Fountain. Lockdown is a total boner-killer for Sagittarius because they enjoy nothing more than risky public sex. Zoom orgies just don’t cut it.
Interesting. Caps are shy, reticent and not that into their own personal pleasure, which makes them perfect submissives. Break out the ropes and tie those Christmas cuties up. A good match for Virgos.
Aquarians are really into finding out who you are and what makes you tick. They like to be stimulated mentally, so if you’re a smart, lonely dude, hook up with an Aquarius. She will blow your mind and, well, you know the rest.
The most creative sign of the Zodiac. Pisceans’ favorite thing in the world is to construct elaborate sexual fantasies. In fact, sometimes they prefer fantasy to the real thing. By the time an actual person sits on their face, it’s all over. Take it from a seasoned Piscean campaigner. This astrology stuff is so on the money.